Forever Family: Nothing Lasts Forever
by francescaalavin
Summary: Gracie's life has been going smoothly since the events of last year, she had started to become suspicious. It wasn't until an unplanned trip to the hospital that she and the Adams-Foster clan realised things were about to take a turn for the worse. Sequel to Forever Family. (Trigger warning: mentions of self-harm, suicide, verbal, physical and sexual assault.)
1. Chapter 1

**Welcome to the long overdue sequel to Forever Family. I'm calling it Forever Family 2 until I can think of a better name... Enjoy!**

"Gracie," I hear mom calling my name from downstairs, "Gracie, get up!" She sounds a little irritated. I roll over and look at my phone. 7.45AM. I'm late again. And I have about a million texts from Taylor, I guess I fell asleep while we were on the phone last night. I rub my eyes and send her a good morning text and manage to drag myself out of bed to head downstairs.

"Hey," My voice is still croaky, and my throat hurts worse than yesterday, "Sorry," I join the other kids at the breakfast table, they're all dressed and ready for school and I'm still in my pyjamas.

"Oh Honey," Mama comes to my side and puts the back of her hand on my forehead, "Are you still sick?"  
I've had a really sore throat for the past couple of weeks but only this week did it get really bad. I missed school on Friday, spent the weekend in bed, managed to get myself in yesterday, but it was hard, I think moms will make me stay home again today. I nod and take a sip of the water mom placed at my seat.

"Maybe we need to take you to the doctor?" Mom says, she also comes over to feel my forehead, "You're really hot sweetie,"

"No, I'm fine," I gently push their arms away, "I don't want to miss any more school, and you guys don't need to skip out on work,"

"Gracie you've been sick for weeks, just go," Mariana says, earning daggers from me. I didn't tell moms when my sore throat started because I knew they'd make me stay home.

"Weeks?" Here comes moms' overreactions, "That's it I'm calling Doctor Rufus," She walks off dialling her phone.

"Gracie, if you've been feeling sick for weeks you should have told us, what if something is seriously wrong, you know how much we value honesty in this family, why didn't you tell us?" Mama sits down next to me.

"Because I knew you'd overreact, I'm fine it's just a sore throat,"

"And dizzy spells," Jude adds, there's no point lying now, "She nearly passed out in class yesterday,"

"Okay, we better get to school," Mariana announces, and they all put they're dirty dishes in the sink and make their way out.

"Please mama, let me go," I practically beg her, I get up to try and go upstairs to get dressed but a dizzy spell hits me, and mama has to take my arms to keep me steady.

"Come on, G, let's get you to the couch," She leads me into the living room and makes me lie down, "Now," She sits on the edge of the coffee table and crosses her legs, "Is it just the throat and the dizziness? Or is there anything else?" I don't respond right away. I might as well be honest now that I have to go see the doctor.

"Headaches and a little bit of nausea," I close my eyes, "And I'm always sleepy," She drapes a blanket over me.

"He has an opening for later today," Mom comes and joins us in the living room, "11 AM, go back to sleep until then and we'll wake you when it's time to go," She's flustered, I can tell she's annoyed I didn't come to them sooner, I feel guilty, but I'm sure it's nothing. Regardless of her annoyance she kisses my heads and pulls my blanket up to my chin.

"Shout for us if you need anything," Mama kisses me too and I hear them walk away as I close my eyes. But I can't fall asleep, I feel too sick. I have to sit up and put my head between my knees. I stumble to my feet and over to the trash can and puke. Moms rush back in, Mama rubs my back while Mom puts my hair in a ponytail and hands me some water.

"Is this the first time you've vomited Gracie?" Mama helps me back up to the couch and sits next to me.

"Yeah," I lie, but she sees straight through it, "No, it started a couple of nights ago, but I thought it was just something I ate," Mom comes back in from the kitchen with a bucket for me.

"Are you blaming my cooking?" Mom jokes, "There's that smile," She kisses my head, "I called Doctor Rufus again, he's going to make a house call instead," I hate it when they fuss over me because I don't want to distract them from more important things, but I have to admit it's nice to be taken care of like this, I just wish I didn't have to see the doctor. He might want me to go to the hospital and I hate hospitals, not that anybody likes them or anything. It's just that all of my experiences there have been nothing short of traumatising.

"I'm sorry for lying about this, I was being dumb," I laugh a little and begin to throw up more.

"It's okay sweets, we're gonna get this all figured out and you can get back to school,"

Mama sits with me as I try to drift off to sleep again. I don't manage to, but I pretend for mama's sake. A couple of hours later, I overhear her and mom talking about me.

"Do you think it could be stress? It's been almost a year since everything happened, maybe it's creeping back up again," Mom whispers.

"Could be, or maybe there's just more she's not telling us," They sound really worried, this is why I kept it to myself, or at least tried to.

"You don't trust her?"

"No of course I do, but you know what she's like,"

"Yeah, she's like Callie when she first got here, not telling us things trying to keep us from worrying,"

"Whatever it is, Doctor Rufus will figure it out and we'll get her better," The door knocks, "That'll be him, I'll get it," Mama goes to the front door and I roll over and sit up, Mom comes to my side. She sees the look on my face and promptly pulls the bucket up to my face as I heave my guts out.

"Guess there's no need to ask who the patient is," Doctor Rufus pulls up a chair next to me, "Why don't you tell me what's going on?"

I start to speak but I can't get a word out before I need the bucket again, "She's had a sore throat for a few weeks, and dizzy spells, headaches and nausea, but she said the vomiting started a few days ago," Mom answers for me.

"I'm sorry," I whimper.

"Hey, sweets it's okay," Mom strokes my cheek.

I sort of blackout as I let Doctor Rufus do my checkup, he takes my temperature, my blood pressure, and checks my breathing. Then he starts to feel my glands.

"How long have you had this swollen lymph-node Gracie?" He asks as he's feeling my neck.

"Uh, I hadn't noticed it," I groggily answer, bringing my hand up to the small bump that has formed on the right side of my neck.

"Can I check your chest?" I nod, "There's a few here too, probably nothing to worry about but I'll do a blood-test just for good measure," I clutch my moms and look away as he does it, I hate needles, but I don't want to cause any more stress for moms.

"Any idea what's wrong with her?" I keep my face buried in mama's arm, the bright light has suddenly started to make my headache worse.

"Well, she has a little bit of a temperature and her breathing sounds a little off, but her blood pressure's normal, I just wanted to take her blood to be on the safe side, but it's very possible this could just be the flu," I feel mama sigh with a small sense of relief. But I still feel like crap.

"So, what we do in the meantime?" Mom asks, I can tell I've stressed her out by being so unwell, which makes me feel worse, like a burden.

"There's not much we can do, so I'm going to get a rush on the blood test, so we can be certain it is just the flu, you'll just have to wait it out, what you can do is make sure you're drinking lots of water, eating healthy and getting at least eight hours of sleep every night," He says.

"You hear that, G? No more late-night Netflix sessions," Mama jokes, "Thanks, Doctor Rufus,"

"Anytime, I hope you feel better soon, Gracie," Mama sees him out and comes back to my side. And I burst into tears.

"Oh sweetie, it's gonna be fine, you heard the doc, it's probably just the flu," Mom hugs me.

"I know but I just feel so bad, you guys could be at work and instead, you're here with me," I sob, "I always do this, I'm just such a huge burden on this whole family,"

"Gracie, listen to me," Mom takes my hands, "You are not a burden, you're our daughter, and we love you,"

"And no matter how sick you are, no matter what is going on, we'll always be here for you, it's not your job to worry about us!" Mama takes my hand too.

"I think someone needs a mama sandwich," They each wrap their arms around me and squeeze until I can't help but laugh.

"I love you guys too," They rock me.


	2. Chapter 2

"Hey, Jude told me you're getting even sicker," Taylor walks into my room and sits next to me on my bed, "Why didn't you text me back last night? I was worried,"

"Sorry, I've been sleeping all day, I'm fine though, I saw the doctor the other day and he says it's probably just the flu," Taylor and I have been together for 10 months now, and we're going strong.

"Does that mean I can't kiss you?" She lays her head down on the pillow next to mine.

"Not unless you want to catch it," We laugh, instead she gives me a kiss on the cheek and holds my hand, "How was school this week?"

"Ugh, boring, I hate going to class without you, and I was such a third wheel at lunch now that Noah's transferred to ABCC and Daria's always off with her boyfriend," She lets me cuddle into her. Her soft hand strokes my cheek while the other one plays with my hair, the way my body fits into hers is perfect, we feel so right side by side. I wrap my hands around her torso and run my fingers along the pattern on her shirt.

"Can you hurry up and get better, so we can go back to being the cutest couple at school?"

"I'll do my best," I kiss her hand, "But the first thing we need to do when I'm better is a date night, it's been so long since the last one,"

"If you're talking about dinner with my parents that doesn't count as a date," Meeting Taylor's mom and dad was so scary. I've sort of met her mom before, at my trial but still, I was convinced they wouldn't like me or they'd judge me for my past but it ended up being a really good night, we played board games and they let me spend the night, in a separate room of course, but that didn't stop me sneaking into her room in the middle of the night. We didn't do anything, neither of us is ready for that, we just cuddled and talked, and maybe we kissed a little too.

"Why not? It was awesome!" I suddenly feel the need to throw up, I bolt upright and reach over Taylor to grab the bucket and try my best to hide it from her, "Maybe you should go," She doesn't move though, instead, she comforts me, hands me tissues to wipe my mouth and she even took the full bucket away to get a new one. I feel so embarrassed. I hate looking so weak and helpless around her, especially when she's usually the one making me feel so strong, "Seriously Taylor, you don't have to do this for me," Mama comes into my room.

"Oh sweetie, are you still throwing up?" I nod, she tries to help me but notices that Taylor's doing a pretty good job.

"It's okay, Mrs Adams-Foster, I can take care of her for a little while,"

"No really, Taylor, I don't want you to see me like this," I admit.

"Don't be silly, it's-"

"Actually, Taylor, I think that's for the best," Mama sees the distress in my eyes and jumps to my defence, "It's been a rough day for Gracie and she just needs some rest," She's still polite, but I can tell I'm hurting Taylor.

"Oh, okay, well, call me later if you're feeling better," I can't look her in the eye, I feel too gross, she kisses my head and walks away.

"Thanks, mama," She takes a seat, "I'm just not ready for her to see the ugly side of me yet," I puke some more.

"There's no ugly side of you, Gracie," She wipes my mouth.

"Are you sure?" I catch a glimpse of myself in Mariana's vanity mirror, "I look like death, I feel like it too," I lay back in my bed.

"You'll get better soon, just keep resting," She tucks me in like I'm a little kid, but it makes me feel safe, "Do you think you'll be able to come down for lunch, it'll be ready in about a half hour,"

"Uh, yeah I'll eat what I can, my appetite is still all messed up," I've barely eaten since the day before I saw the doctor. I just throw everything back up again. But Doctor Rufus is going to call us with the blood test results today so if it's not the flu then hopefully I can get some kind of meds to help me out. I missed almost a whole week of school and I've barely spoken to Taylor. I miss her so much, but I can't be around her when I'm like this. We always spend Saturdays together, so I was looking forward to seeing her now I feel bad for making her leave.

I hear the phone ring, so I drag myself downstairs to the kitchen where mom is sat.

"Okay, I see, yeah thank you, thanks very much, bye," She hangs up.

"What did he say? It's just the flu?" I ask as I pull up a chair at the table opposite her.

"That was his secretary, she said Doctor Rufus wants us to come in first thing tomorrow to go over the results in person," Despite the fact that's already worrying enough, mom's not exactly looking very confident.

"That means it's something bad," A million bad thoughts run through my head, cancer, heart disease, liver failure, kidney failure, everything. I'm sick, really, really sick.

"What's going on?" Mama joins us.

"They want us to go to the hospital, I'm probably dying or something," I panic, "How can this be happening?" My breathing speeds up and my heart starts to pound.

"Hey, calm down," Mama squeezes me, she does this whenever I start to panic, it helps slow my breathing down, "It'll be fine,"

"You don't know that!" I hyperventilate.

"Gracie, breathe," Mom takes my hand, the two of them sit me down on the kitchen floor and talk me through my panic attack, my throat is raw, and my eyes are all stingy and red but eventually, I'm able to relax a little.

"What if it is something bad?" I ask them.

"Well," They look at each other, "We'll deal with it, all of us, but we don't know what those results say so until then there's no reason to panic," Mama cradles me.

"Come on, let's get you back into bed," They help me to my feet, but everything begins to spin and then all I see is black.


	3. Chapter 3

"What's going on?" I open my eyes and my family are standing over me with two paramedics.

"Gracie, you passed out, the paramedics are taking you to the hospital now," Mama squeezes my hand.

"What? Why?" I start to panic a little bit again.

"There's only room for one in the ambulance," I hear a paramedic say as I'm wheeled out onto the sidewalk.

"You go, sweetie, I'll follow in the car," Mama says, Mom takes my hand and doesn't let go as I'm lifted inside the vehicle. It smells just like the hospital, which only makes me panic more.

"Mom?" I squeeze her hand so tight I'm probably cutting off her blood flow, "Am I gonna die?"

"No sweetie, we're gonna get you to the hospital and the doctors are gonna take good care of you and you'll be back home in no time,"

"I'm scared," My breaths become shorter and I slowly fall back into a panic attack.

"We can sedate her," The paramedic says, I shake my head but mom nods, and I drift off to sleep.

Mama's face is the first thing I see when I open my eyes again, everything is blurry and I feel weird, it must be from whatever they used to sedate me.

"Hey, little one," She says, "How are you feeling?" She helps me sit up, I feel too dizzy, "You feel sick?" I nod and she hands me a cardboard bowl and rubs my back. When it's all out, I look up and rub my eyes, Mom is asleep on an armchair in the corner.

"What's wrong with me?" I look up to her, I can see that she doesn't have any answers.

"The doctors are trying to figure that out sweetie," She tucks a strand of my hair behind my ear, "We're gonna get through it," I lean into her. Mom opens her eyes and rushes over to my side to hug me.

"We've got you," She says.

"Did the blood test come back?" I ask them, they look at each other.

"It did, they found a few abnormalities," My breathing speeds up, "You have low white and red blood cell counts," Mom squeezes my hand.

"What does that mean?" I panic.

"We don't know yet love, I'm going to go and tell the nurse you're awake and we can get a doctor in here to tell us what our next step is okay?" She kisses my head and walks out.

"Breath, Gracie," Mama takes my hands.

"I'm really sick, aren't I?" I cry and she rocks me back and forth. I could be dying, I won't get to have the life I wanted, I won't have any life.

"Love, the doctor's here," Mom comes back in with a woman in a white coat and scrubs, she sits back down next to me.

"Hi Gracie, I'm Dr Simons," She pulls a chair over to my bed, "How do you feel?"

"Not great, please can we skip all this, just tell me what's wrong with me,"

"We don't know yet, but we're going to find out, the abnormalities in your blood cell counts leave you vulnerable to infection and anaemia, which is why you passed out, I've ordered a CT Angiogram, it's a scan that will show us your whole body so we can see if there's anything going on in there," I nod, "We'll inject you with some dye, we call it contrast, it just helps us see things a little more clearly, and then once we have the images we'll determine whether or not we need to take a look at those lymph-nodes, we may need to do a biopsy,"

"When can we do the scan?"

"As soon as you're ready," She smiles, "You can bring one of your moms with you if you like," I look to them.

"You go," Mama says to mom, "I'll go tell the kids what's going on, they're all out in the waiting room still," She looks back to me, "You are gonna be fine, okay?" I nod back to her. She watches as a few nurses come in and start to wheel me out of the room, Mom walks next to me.

They lay me down on the slim bed with my feet facing the doughnut-shaped CT scanner, the nurse flushes my IV with saline before hooking it up to the tall IV stand on my left.

"You might feel a little warm as it starts to go in," She says. The sensation that goes through my body is unlike anything I've ever felt, it's uncomfortable and it makes me feel like I'm peeing, "Do you want your mom to stay in here with you?" I nod. She puts a vest on mom that protects her from the radiation and goes into a small room with a window so she can see me.

"It's okay love," Mom says.

"Are you ready, Gracie?" The nurse asks over a microphone.

"Yeah,"

"Okay we're gonna send you in, it's important that you lie as still as possible," The machine starts to move and make loud mechanical noises, the nurse tells me to do all these different things with my breathing. It's getting harder and harder to stay still but after about twenty minutes it's finally all over. As I sit up, I feel dizzy and nauseous, but after a glass of water, I feel a little better.

"You alright, Gracie?" Mom rubs my back, I nod. I feel like if I open my mouth to talk, vomit would just come out. The nurses transfer me back onto my bed and take me back to my room.

"Can I see the others?" I ask mom, "I don't wanna sit here on dwell on things until the results come through,"

"Sure, love, I'll text Mama now," She pulls out her phone and before I know it, my brothers and sisters are all coming in.

"Callie, Brandon, you came back!" They're holding balloons and stuffed animals.

"Of course we did," Callie hands me a huge teddy bear and hugs me.

"We came as soon as we heard," Brandon ties the balloons to my bed and comes and puts his arm around me, "How do you feel?" I hug him.

"Better, now you're all here," I hug my other siblings.

"How was the scan?" Mama asks.

"It was okay, a little scary but all I had to do was lie there," She hands me my water.

"They said they'll get the results to us as soon as they can," Mom says.

"Let's not talk about that, Brandon, how's USC?"

My family and I chat for hours, Brandon tells me all about his new girlfriend and all of his classes, and Callie tells me all about her course at USCD, she's working towards becoming a lawyer so she can help other kids in the foster system. It's nice to catch up with

them don't get me wrong, but I can't stop thinking about the results of the scan. If they find anything abnormal then I'll have to get the biopsy. Which means surgery, which means more time in the hospital. All I want to do is go home, get better and go back to school. I miss Taylor, but I don't want her to see me like this, weak. I'm supposed to be strong now, after everything that happened last year, you'd think that the world would give me some good news.

"Am I interrupting?" Dr Simons knocks on the door; the room falls silent.

"Kids, why don't you go get us some coffee," Mama hands Callie a ten-dollar bill and they awkwardly shuffle past the doctor, giving me sympathetic smiles as they leave.

Dr Simons sits on the end of my bed and opens her tablet, "I won't beat around the bush," I take my mothers hands, "We found some small lesions, or masses in your chest and upper abdomen," She shows us the screen, it's hard to see what she's talking about because I have no idea what a healthy CT scan should look like, but she points out at least a dozen white spots.

"Is that bad?" Mama asks.

"It's good that we've caught them now, they're not too big, it depends on what we find in the biopsy," She closes her tablet and puts a hand on my leg, "It's nothing to worry about yet," She smiles.

"When can we get the biopsy done? And how long until we get the results for that?" Mom asks, she's just as nervous as I am, if not more, "And what will happen after?"

"I've booked the OR for tomorrow at 8:00 am, after we sent the biopsy to the pathologist it usually takes about two weeks for the results to come back, depending on what we find I'll set up a meeting with some specialists and we'll create a treatment plan,"

"So, this could be something really bad?" I ask her.

"It could be, but there's still a very good chance that this is something easily treatable, I don't want any of you to worry unless there's something to worry about," I look to my moms, they don't know what to say, they're terrified.

"It's okay," I speak up, "Whatever it is, we'll deal with it, like you said," I squeeze their hands, "Right?"

"Of course we will," Mom puts her arms around both of us.

"Right," Mama hugs us back.

"If you have any further questions, just have one of the nurses page me, I'll be by tomorrow morning to prep you for surgery," She smiles again and leaves.

I have no choice, I have to be strong, if not for me then for my moms, and my brothers and sisters. If I can't handle this then I know it'll break them. So, I have to be the voice of reason. For my family.


	4. Chapter 4

I insisted that my mom's go home for the evening, they have Callie stay with me while they take the rest of the family home for dinner, Callie settles for hospital food, as for me, even if I could keep any food down, I'm not allowed to eat until after my surgery tomorrow.

"Have you spoken to Taylor?" Callie asks me.

"No, she's been texting me, but I don't know what to say, I don't want her to worry or feel like she has to take care of me, I asked Jude not to tell her what's going on,"

"Why? She really cares about you Gracie; don't you think she deserved to know?"

"I'll tell her, I will, it's just… I need to find the right words, and the right time," I look at the lock screen of my phone, it's a photo of us when we went to the summer fair.

"How about right now?" I hear her voice and look up; she's standing in the doorway with a bunch of roses.

"Taylor," I sit up in shock.

"I'll leave you guys to it," Callie quickly dashes out of the room.

I catch a glance of myself in the mirror, "What are you doing here?" I turn away from her, I can't let her see me looking so sick.

"Jude told me everything," She comes over to me, but I tilt my head down so she can't see my face properly, "Gracie," She puts her hand on my cheek, "Why didn't you tell me how sick you were?" I look into her eyes, she's been crying.

"I didn't want you seeing me like this, and I didn't want you to worry," I well up, "It could be nothing,"

"So? I don't care how sick you think you look, Gracie, you're beautiful, and no matter where you are or what you're doing I'm always going to worry," She puts the flowers down and takes my hands, "I love you," I pull my hands away. It's all too much.

"I can't do this," I turn away, "Go,"

"Gracie, I-,"

"Please Taylor, just go," I start to cry, I hold it in as much as I can until I hear the door close behind her, then I break down, I throw the bouquet across the room into the trash. I reach for a bowl and puke my guts out. Moments later, Callie comes in and immediately rushes to my side.

"What happened, Gracie?" She rocks me, all I can do is cry. She dries my tears and tucks me back into bed, laying me down. She strokes my hair as I sob into the pillow.

The next morning when I wake up, Callie is gone, and my moms are sat in the armchairs on either side of my bed. I look to the clock on the wall, it's almost eight, almost time for the biopsy. I reach for the water next to my bed. My mouth is so dry from crying and puking all night.

"Morning love," Mom refills my cup, "Callie said Taylor was here yesterday, what happened?" I don't answer.

"You know you can talk to us sweetie," Mama chimes in.

"I'm sick of talking," They give each other a look. I hate being mean to them, but I just really don't want them giving their opinions on this.

Dr Simons comes in to take me to surgery, "Morning Adams-Fosters, you ready?" She asks me, I nod, "Only one of your moms can come with you when we put you under," I look to both of them. I wish they could both be there.

"I guess I'll go," Mama takes my hand. Mom kisses my cheek, hugs me and wishes me luck.

"It's a small procedure, one to two hours at most," Dr Simons says. She and a few nurses wheel me down the hallways, mama stays a few steps behind me but doesn't let go of my hand, she couldn't if she wanted to, I'm holding it too tight. We come to a small room where there are doctors waiting for me. They slide me onto the anaesthesia table and lay me down flat. They hook my IV up to a machine and flush it.

"Are you holding up?" Mama leans down to me.

"I'll be okay," A tear rolls down my cheek.

"I want you to count down from ten, Gracie," The doctor says. I keep my eyes on mama as I count, they put a plastic mask over my nose and mouth and before I know it, I'm out cold.

"She's coming round," A voice mumbles near me, I'm waking up, "Would you go get her parents?" I groan as I try to roll onto my back, it hurts, "Try not to move sweetie, you've just come out of surgery," The nurse holds me in place.

"Water," I say, my mouth is so dry I can barely make a sound. She brings the straw to my mouth and I drink it until the cup is empty.

"Gracie?" I hear mama.

"We're right here!" They come to my side, "Does it hurt, love?" Mom asks.

"A little," I manage to roll onto my back so I can see them both, they're visibly distressed, "I'm okay though," I reassure them.

"We can take her back to her room now," The nurse says," She starts pushing my bed out of the recovery room, moms hold my hands.

"How long did it take?" I ask them once the nurse leaves.

"Only an hour, felt like longer though," Mom says, "Can we get you anything? Some food, another blanket?"

"I'm fine, thank you, I still feel sick," I adjust my bed position so I'm sitting upright.

"Dr Simons said that's to be expected, maybe you should go back to sleep for a little while?" Mama strokes my face and pulls my blanket up higher for me.

"I don't feel like sleeping, I just-" Before I can finish my sentence I feel my throat getting thicker, and I start to throw up again, luckily mom caught it with the bowl, I notice blood dripping onto my hospital gown, I put my hand to my face and realise my nose is bleeding.

"It's okay sweetie, don't panic," Mom starts handing me paper towels to catch the blood, "It's because of your low blood cell count," Mama heads out of the room and seconds later comes back with more paper towels.

"Tilt your head back," I do as she says and let them take care of me. I hate being so weak, I'm 16 years old I should be able to clean myself up. But I know they want to help so I don't stop them. The bleeding doesn't stop for about twenty minutes but when it does, I feel dizzier than ever. They adjust my bed back to the flat position and I close my eyes, so the room stops spinning.

"Is that better?" Mom asks as she places a cold wet flannel on my forehead. I don't have the strength to answer. Eventually I manage to go back to sleep for a few hours. When I wake up, I can hear my moms talking, about me.

"What if this is too much for her?" Mama says, she sounds tearful.

"She's strong, look at everything she's been through, she came out on top, she can get through this," Mom comforts her.

"Do you think we should send her back to therapy? It really helped her after she lost Freddie," Therapy did help, but I hated it towards the end, I don't like talking about my feelings with strangers.

"We can look into it, but let's not make any calls yet, it should be her choice," I open my eyes and see them hugging each other at the end of my bed.

"When can I go back home?" I ask them.

"Oh," They didn't know I was listening, "We're not sure yet love," Mom sits next to me, "We have to wait for the results of the biopsy, you know that,"

"That could take weeks," I argue, "I'm not asking you to let me go back to school or anything, I just want to be in my own bed,"

"Gracie, we spoke with Dr Simons and we all agree it's best for you to stay here until you're feeling a little better, once we get the results and we find out what's going on, then we can talk about going home," Mama says sternly, I know they don't want me arguing back, so I nod in agreement. Looks like these four walls are all I'll be seeing for the unforeseeable future.


	5. Chapter 5

The weeks drag by slowly, waiting for the results of my biopsy is nerve-wracking, but I'm doing everything I can to reassure moms that I'm okay, I have to hold it together. I make sure they spend as much time away from the hospital as possible, they still have three other kids to take care of. Brandon and Callie have been around as much as they can, but they have a lot of school work and they're in the first year of college, I don't want them missing out because of me. Moms don't like leaving me alone at the hospital, but it's been almost two weeks since they were both at home the same time, so I tell them I could do with some time alone. It's a lie, I mean I want them to be at home, in their own beds instead of the lumpy hospital cots they've been sleeping on, but I hate being alone here, still, if it means they get to have a break then I can suck it up. So tonight, I'm staying here on my own, all I do is sleep anyway, and if I need anything, I have a call button next to my bed that alerts the nurse's station.

I've been thinking about Taylor a lot, Jude says he's been over to her house most nights, she's barely stopped crying.

_"I love you," _I remember her saying that to me, I play it over and over in my head. I hate that I hurt her but letting her stay by my side through this would only hurt her more. It's what's best for everyone in the long run. I miss her. She's been calling and texting me, asking for answers, an explanation. I don't know what else I can say.

All that doesn't matter anymore, it's kid stuff. Tomorrow, I'll get my biopsy results, then maybe a diagnosis and then I can start whatever treatment they give me, and if whatever this is doesn't kill me, maybe Taylor and I can get back together. But for now, I need to focus on getting healthy.

"Are you alright sweetie?" Nurse Holly comes into my room to check my vitals, she does it every hour, "You look like you've been crying," She checks my temperature.

"I'm fine, just a little home sick," I try to smile.

"Not long until you get your results, then hopefully you can get home," She's been so kind to me, "You miss your family huh?" She asks.

"Yeah, I mean they've been here a lot but I feel like I'm taking up so much of their time and energy, I've tried to tell them that I'll be okay and that they don't have to be here 24/7," I always find myself chatting away to her.

"Kiddo, they're your family, they're gonna be here whether you want them or not," She starts to redress my wound from the biopsy, "You're pretty much healed, that's a good sign," She smiles, "You let me know if you need anything," She pulls my blanket back up and leaves my room.

I know she's right; I know my family care about me and they're gonna take care of me no matter what I say, but I can help but feel guilty.

When I open my eyes the next morning, I instantly feel sick, I have to throw my head over the side of the bed, so I don't get it everywhere, I tried to aim for the trash, but my aim isn't so good. When I look up, my moms are with me. I look over to the clock, it's almost midday.

"Hey love, you were asleep for a long time," Mom wipes my mouth and helps me get comfortable again while mama cleans up my mess, "Probably the longest lie in you've had the past couple of weeks," I've been sleeping a lot, but I can never stay sleeping for more than few hours, this time I slept for nearly twelve hours.

"Has the doctor come by yet?" I ask them.

"She said she'd be here around now, don't worry love, we'll be right here with you," Mama gets in bed next to me and wraps her arms around me, they can both see in my face how nervous I am. No matter what the results say, I can't break down, I can't lose it, my moms need me to be okay. I hear a light knocking on the door, I look up and Dr Simons is standing there.

"Morning," She sits down, "The results came in this morning," My heart is racing and my palms are sweating, "I'm afraid it's not good news," I can hear both of my moms breathing become shaky, mama's got tears in her eyes, "Gracie," I take a deep breath, "You have Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma,"

"But that's- no that's impossible she's just a kid," Mom says.

"What is that?" I ask, Mama starts to sob.

"It's cancer," Dr Simons says, "I'm so sorry," She hands mama a tissue. I just look at her. Cancer? I knew it would be something bad, but I didn't think it would be cancer, "But it's a good thing we've caught it this early, we can treat it, your prognosis is good Gracie,"

"Are you okay love?" Mom looks at me, "Can we have a minute please?" Dr Simons leaves, closing the door behind her, "Listen, Gracie, I know this is scary, okay? Look at me," She puts her hands on my face and lifts my head, "I'm scared too, but you're gonna fight this, we're gonna fight this,"

"This isn't the end, you're gonna be fine," Mama dries her tears.

"Yeah," I say, I'm in shock, "I'll be fine," I nod to them. I have to be fine. I feel blood start to drip out of my nose again, they rush to help me, all I can do is sit here, staring at the wall. This is what it's gonna be like for the next- God knows how long. I'm the sick girl now. I was the foster girl, the depressed girl, now I'm the sick girl. Why can't I be the happy girl? The healthy girl?

Once the bleeding stops, I lay back in my bed. Both of my mothers crawl into bed next to me and curl up. Mama's still crying but she's trying to do it quietly. I want so badly to give in and cry, to give up and let this sickness swallow me whole. But I can't, I have to put myself through all of this to make them smile again. If anyone can do that, it's me.


	6. Chapter 6

After lying in the hospital bed with moms for a little while, Dr Simons came back in with another doctor, Dr Chandra. He's my oncologist now, it's a big word for cancer doctor. He said he wants me to start treatment right away, so tomorrow I'll have my first round of chemotherapy. Which I am not looking forward to. On the bright side, he said I can stay at home throughout the treatment, but I have to come back to the hospital if I have a fever or show any signs of infection. And of course, I have to come into the hospital to have the chemo, but I'll take what I can get.

I still feel really weak, so mom has to help me up the stairs and into bed, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I've gotten really skinny. I'm just glad I can be in my room again.

"Can I get you anything?" Mom asks.

"I'm fine, really, I'm tired I think I'm just gonna go to sleep," It's only 7 pm but I'm exhausted.

"Okay, love, just call one of us if you anything at all," She puts my phone on my nightstand, "Love you," She gives me a kiss on the cheek.

"Love you too, mom," She switches the light off and leaves the door open a little bit so there's a slim stream of light coming in from the landing. I know it's been a while since everything happened, but I still can't sleep in the dark.

I wasn't lying when I said I was exhausted, but I can't seem to switch my brain off so I can get some sleep, I just keep thinking of Taylor and what she must be feeling. Jude promised he wouldn't tell her about the diagnosis. It's not that I want to keep it a secret from her, I just think maybe she needs some more time. I don't know. I keep trying to justify what I did to her, the lies and the break-up. The fact of the matter is; I know what I did was wrong, but I had no choice, I wanted to let her down easy. There was no other way.

"Gracie?" Jude pokes his head in through the slightly open door, I switch my lamp on, "Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you," He comes and sits on my bed.

"You didn't, I can't sleep,"

"This sucks," He looks down at his hands, "Why does it always have to be you that gets the short straw, it's not fair," I take his hand.

"I know, but I'll be fine, I'm gonna fight this stupid disease until it's dead, I won't let it win," He looks up and smiles at me, "How is she?" I ask.

"Not great, she really misses you, Gracie," My heart feels heavy in my chest, "You should tell her, she's gonna find out eventually,"

"I can't tell her yet, she'll coming running over here and try to take care of me and tell me how much she loves me, and I can't deal with it!" I realise I raised my voice, "Sorry," A tear streams down my cheek, then another, and another until I'm in a puddle of tears.

"Is that what this is about?" He asks, "Her saying she loves you?"

"It's not just that," I look him in the eye, and I remember that this is Jude I'm talking to, my brother, I trust him and I feel safe with him, "Okay, it's mostly that, it's just the last person who said that to me like that-"

"Rachel…" He says, "And you said it back," He takes the words right out of my mouth," He wraps his arms around me and wipes away my tears with his sleeve, "You and Taylor are nothing like that, you know that right?"

"Hey what's up?" Mama comes into my room, "I was just coming to check on you,"

"Talk to her Gracie," Jude gets up and mama takes his place next to me. She looks at me with her big brown eyes.

"Is this about the diagnosis? It's okay to cry Gracie," She hugs me.

"It's not that, it's Taylor," I can't keep it to myself anymore it's driving me crazy, "I broke up with her because she was treating me like a patient instead of a girlfriend and then- then said she loves me," I look at her, she seems confused, "And it scared me, it freaked me out because it just brought me back to everything that happened with Rachel," Saying her name sends shivers down my spine, "I know it won't be like that, but I just couldn't face it,"

"Oh, sweetie," She squeezes me, "That must be hard,"

"The thing is, I think, no- I know… That I love her back, but I don't want to put her through all of this, it's a bad enough that it's going to take a toll on you and mom, and all the others," I take a deep breath.

"Okay, listen, you trust Taylor, right?" She asks.

"With my life," I admit.

"Then just talk to her about it, she'll understand where you're coming from," She reassures me, "If she loves you like she says she does, she'll do her best to change and try to treat you like a girlfriend again, and as for me and mom, and your siblings, we'll get through it, you don't have to worry about us,"

"I know, and I know she Taylor would understand and everything, but I'm just scared,"

"Oh, of course you are," Mama laughs a little, "That's what love feels like sometimes, imagine how she's feeling, she knows you're sick and you didn't even want to see her," She's right, Taylor must feel heartbroken if she loves me that much. I need to talk to her, "Why didn't you come to me or mom and talk about this with us?" She asks.

"I don't know, I guess I was just being stupid," I lie, I didn't come to them because they already have so much to worry about, now that I'm officially a cancer patient.

"Next time, talk to us, we're here for you whatever you need,"

"I love you, mama," I hug her tight as she strokes my hair.

"Love you too, little one," She tucks me back into bed like I'm a little kid, "Try to get some sleep, early start tomorrow," She switches my lamp off and leaves. Back to being alone with my thoughts.

Usually, in this old house, you can hear everything that's going on, it's barely 8 o'clock so everyone's downstairs having dinner, but I can't hear a sound. I guess no one knows what to say. They all looked at me so weirdly when moms told them about my cancer, they all cried, except for Jesus who was trying to maintain his masculinity. I reassured them all that I'm not giving up and I'm gonna fight this thing, I guess they're all just in shock now.

After about an hour of me staring at the ceiling I decide to call Taylor, I can't leave her hanging any longer.

"Gracie? Are you okay?" She asks.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, listen, can you come over? I wanna talk," I ask.

"Yeah, sure I- I'm on my way," She hangs up. Moms probably won't like that I invited her over this late but at least it's not a school night, not that I'll be going.

I sit up in my bed, turn the light back on and reach for my hairbrush. I know she said I'm always beautiful to her, but it can't hurt to clean myself up a little. I brush my hair straight and manage to get to the bathroom by myself so I can brush my teeth too, just in case. It's not long before I hear the knocking on the door and then footsteps leading up the stairs, then she appears in the doorway.

"Gracie," She looks a little scared when she sees me, "I- I've missed you,"

"Come sit down," I pat the space next to me on my bed, "I'm so so sorry for what I did at the hospital,"

"It's okay, I-" I cut her off.

"Please just, let me talk for a second, I shouldn't have just ended things like that, it wasn't fair to you, I just, I got a little uncomfortable when you were taking care of me, it made me feel like I was your patient and I don't know, I just don't like it, but it really freaked me out when you said…" I pause.

"When I said what?"

"You said that you love me," I look into her eyes and forget why I ever wanted to keep her away from me, "I guess it was a trigger or something, it made me think of some of the stuff that went down last year, but I've gotten through all that now, and I think I can see more clearly, but did you mean it? You love me?" I take a moment to breathe.

"Of course I meant it, Gracie, I really do love you," Hearing her say it this time doesn't scare me or freak me out, it makes me happy.

"I really do love you too," I start crying again, "I'm sorry for pushing you away, I know now that I can talk to you, I know I'm safe with you," Her face breaks out into a beaming smile, and mine mimics. She puts her arms around me and embraces me in a kiss. It feels so perfect and familiar. I suddenly remember I still have to tell her about my cancer, "Wait," I pull away, "There's something else," Both of our smiles fade, "I had a biopsy while I was in the hospital because they found swollen lymph nodes all over me, and uh- um, they found out I have Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma," Her eyes fill with tears, "It's a type of-"

"Cancer," I forgot how smart she was, of course she knows that.

"But I'm fine, I mean I'm really sick but I'm gonna be fine, I promise," I kiss her again, but she's in shock, just like I was.

"Cancer, wow,"

"I know, it's a lot, and if this changes things and you don't want to be with me now, I completely understand,"

"What? Of course, I wanna be with you," She kisses me again.

"I love you," I start crying harder, "I don't know why I'm so emotional," She giggles at me, which instantly causes me to start laughing too, I can't help it, her smile is contagious.


	7. Chapter 7

The morning comes too quickly, I'm dreading my first round of chemo. At least I'm back with Taylor now and I don't have to keep carrying that weight with me. I wanted her to come with me today, but I can only bring two people and I want both of my moms there, at least for the first round. Dr Chandra gave us a pamphlet yesterday, it has a list of things to bring to chemo appointments; a blanket, a book or magazine, snacks, water, things like that. Mom suggested we bring Scrabble in case it gets really boring, after all, I'm gonna be hooked up to the chemo for two hours. It's never any fun playing board games with mom though, she's way too competitive.

I don't feel that weak today, so I'm able to take a shower and get dressed without any help which was nice, when I say dressed, I mean put on a fresh pair of pyjamas. I go downstairs to have breakfast with moms, Callie and Mariana. The boys are still sleeping.

"Hey sweetie, how did you sleep?" Mama asks.

"Pretty good actually, but I guess that'll change after today," I pick at the meal laid out in front of me, my appetite is still all over the place.

"Are you nervous?" Mariana looks worried.

"A little, but I'll be fine, it's only my first round so it won't be too bad, at least that's what it says online,"

"Gracie, what did we tell you about looking online? You're just going to freak yourself out," Mom says sternly.

"I know but I couldn't help it, but it was mostly pretty good stuff, other kids have written about their experience with chemo and they offered each other advice and support, it was actually pretty cool," I defend myself. Moms are still pretty annoyed though, "Anyway, what are you guys doing today?" I ask my sisters.

"We were just going to stay home, Poppy and Ximena are coming over and we're gonna watch a movie and wait until you guys are home," Mariana says.

"You don't have to wait around for me,"

"We want to, then if you're feeling okay later, we could all hang out," Callie says. I barely know Ximena and Poppy, but if they're my sisters' friends then why not?

"Okay, yeah sure, sounds great," I smile at them.

"Speaking of friends, have you told Sophia yet?" Callie asks. I've been avoiding the subject for a while now, she's on a trip with her school for two months, but she's back tonight.

"No, I will though, I just didn't want it to ruin her trip," Moms look kind of disappointed with me, I always do this, put everyone else's feelings before my own, "I swear, I will tell her, she's coming over tomorrow,"

"Good, she'll be okay, she's stronger than she seems," Callie says.

"Are you ready to go Gracie?" Mom asks.

"Yeah," I take a deep breath.

"Good luck," Callie and Mariana both get up to give me a big hug.

"Thanks, you guys," I'm starting to get more nervous. But the sooner I get through all my treatment, the sooner everything can go back to normal.

My moms and I sit patiently in the waiting room, the lady at the front desk said a nurse will come and get us when it's time to get my port put in. They have to put this needle thing into my chest for the chemo, it's so it gets into my system faster and more efficiently I think, something like that. My knee shakes up and down as we wait, then I notice mom is doing the same thing, so I try to stop, and I rest my hand on her knee.

"I'm gonna be fine, mom," I tell her. She simply smiles and puts her arm around me, kissing my head. Moments later, we hear the nurse call my name and we follow her back to a small procedure room. The nurse introduces herself as Miranda and hands me a gown to change into, she says I can keep my pyjama pants on though. Once I'm dressed, I have to lay down on the bed. My moms stand on my left holding my hand and comforting me, while a few nurses are on the right of me, they have to put a needle in my arm so they can put in some medicine to help me relax. I'll be awake the whole time. I'm terrified but I've made it this far, I can keep pushing through. I barely notice the pain of the needle because I'm thinking so much about the port. I feel the drugs go through me and I feel a little sleepy and light headed. The nurse pulls down part of my gown to get to my chest.

"You'll feel a little pinch," I squeeze moms' hand in anticipation, but I barely notice the needle go in. I feel more relaxed now, the drugs are working. Miranda talks me through what she's doing but I try to ignore her, I just want to get it over with. My chest feels kind of numb now, so I just close my eyes and try to focus on my breathing. It hurts a little bit but mostly it's just uncomfortable. It's weird feeling something moving in my chest, I wince. I feel the cold saline rush through my chest as the line is flushed.

"You alright sweetie?" Mama strokes my face. I nod.

"Almost done," Mom wipes a tear from my cheek, I didn't realise I'd started crying.

I open my eyes and after a little pressure on my chest and another small pinch, it's over, Miranda removes the line from my arm and puts a band-aid on it.

"All finished," She says, "You just lie down for a little while and I'll be back shortly to take you to the chemo suite," Moms thank her. I'm relieved it's over, but then I remember I still have to get the actual chemo done.

"Can I call Taylor?" I ask moms.

"Sure, sweetie, we'll wait outside," Mama hands me my phone, "Don't sit up yet, we can't have you passing out,"

"Hey, Gracie, are you at your appointment?" Taylor asks.

"Yeah, they just finished putting the port in, and I'm going to get the chemo soon," My voice is all croaky.

"How did it go? Did it hurt?"

"A little but it was bearable, they numbed my chest and gave me some drugs to relax me so it wasn't too bad, it just felt like it went on for ages," I lightly touch the bump under my skin where my port is, it feels weird, there's a plastic tube coming out of my skin attached to the IV stand on my right, that's where all the chemo drugs will hang.

"I wish I could be there to hold your hand,"

"Me too, but you're coming over later right?" She wanted to meet us at the hospital right after the chemo, but her parents want her to get her homework done first.

"Yeah, oh, my mom's here, she's gesturing for me to get off the phone and keep doing my homework," I hear her mom saying hi to me in the background, then my moms come back in.

"My moms just came in too; I'll text you when I'm done? And let me know when you're on your way to my house,"

"I love you," I can't help but smile.

"I love you too," We hang up the call. Moms are smiling at me. They come to sit next to me again.

"Can I sit up yet?" I ask them, "I feel okay,"

"Sure, love," Mom gets up to adjust the bed position, so I don't 'waste too much energy', as she likes to put it. Mama gives me my water bottle. Something about hospitals makes me very thirsty. Not long until the chemo starts now.


	8. Chapter 8

The chemo suite is basically just a very clinical looking living room, they have these big comfy recliner chairs each sectioned off by curtains. I look around at all the other patients, some of them are really old and look so sick, and some of them are tiny little kids with bald heads and bags under their eyes. It breaks my heart to see them all.

"Gracie Adams-Foster," A new nurse comes over to our little booth, "This is your first chemotherapy session, right?" She barely makes eye contact as she writes things down on her clipboard. I just nod. She hangs up a few different bags filled with different medicines and attaches my port line to them. She explains what each drug is and why I need them, but it all goes right over my head, mama's listening closely though, asking all sorts of questions, "You ready?" The nurse asks. Again, I just nod. The three of us watch as the yellow-ish medicine flows down the tube and into my chest. It feels no different than the saline they put in there before, but I know I'll start to feel the effects soon.

"We got you," Mom says, she's smiling but I can tell she's putting on a brave face, so am I, and I think she can tell.

"Here," The nurse hands me a dixie cup with a small white pill inside, "This will help with the nausea," I take the pill and some water as quickly as I can, I've felt nauseous for weeks, I'm desperate for it to stop. The nurse closes the curtains around us and leaves. It feels way too real now.

"Can I have my hoodie? I'm kind of cold," Mom helps me put on my hand-me-down hoodie from Jesus and zips it up being careful not to pull on my chemo line. None of us really know what to say, they're both just looking at me.

"So, how are things with Taylor now?" Mama asks, "Everything back to normal?"

"Well I wouldn't say normal, I mean I do have cancer," I try to make a joke, but it doesn't get much of a laugh, "But um, yeah, things are good, we both apologized and everything," I tell them.

"And uh, you told her you love her too?" I blush.

"Mama,"

"We just want to make sure you're both on the same page," Mom says.

"Yeah, we are, we're happy together," I hate talking about this stuff with my moms, they always try to turn into 'The talk', which I don't need to hear.

"And are you having sex?" There it is. Mom's not very good at subtlety.

"Oh my God are we really going to have this conversation here, while I'm hooked up to an IV?" I bury my bright red face in my hands and hope that no one else outside the curtain is listening.

"It's the only way we can make sure you don't make a break for it," Mom jokes, but I'm too embarrassed to even crack a smile.

"Okay well, not that it's any of your business, no, we're not… doing that,"

"Do you want to?" Mom asks.

"Seriously? Okay fine, whatever, no I don't want to and I'm not ready and neither is she," I try to avoid looking at them. This is the most humiliating thing.

"Alright, good," Mama says.

"You're too young anyway," Mom adds.

"But when you are, I want you to promise that you'll be safe and kind to each other, respect each other,"

"Yeah," I say quietly.

"Promise us," Mom says.

"Yeah, I promise, oh my God can we please change the subject now?" I squirm in my seat. I can't believe they chose here and now to discuss this. I mean of course Taylor and I have done things, but not all of it, not that I really know what to class as sex when it's two girls. But it doesn't matter, we're always respectful of each other. Moms are laughing a little bit, "So um, what about school?" I ask mama, "Will I get to go back?"

"Well mom and I have talked a lot about it, and we both agree that you should stay home until you've finished all of your chemo and then we'll discuss it again,"

"Okay, I guess that's fair, can I do any school work at home?" I don't want to fall behind again, it's so hard to get caught up to the rest of my grade.

"No, we spoke to Dr Chandra and he said it's best if you just wait, and spend all of your time resting and staying as healthy as possible, physically and mentally,"

"What?!"

"And when the chemo is over, I'll help you get back up to speed," Mama cuts me off.

"Can't you just bring me my school work? You're the vice principal!" I beg.

"Actually," They look at each other, "Mama's decided to take some time off work, just until you're better," Mom holds my hands.

"No,"

"Gracie, I-"

"No way, I'm not letting you take more time away from work for me, we need the money if we're gonna pay all these medical bills!" I argue.

"Don't worry about the money," Mom says, "Your only job is to get better," I knew this would happen, "We're the moms, you're the kid, please honey, just let us take care of you," She puts her hand my cheek, "You've gotta start thinking about yourself more," I stay silent, I don't know what to say.

"You really thought we wouldn't notice you trying to put on a brave face for us?" A tear falls down my cheek, but I quickly wipe it away.

"You are allowed to be scared, you're allowed to be sad and feel sick and you're allowed to tell us, we want you to tell us, so we can help," Mama gets up and crouches down next to me. They both stare at me for a little while.

Eventually, I speak up, "Okay," I let the tears start, they both put their arms around me and comfort me as I cry, it feels a little better to let it all out.

Over the next two hours, I scroll through social media, chat to my moms and we even play scrabble for a bit, I made mom promise not to get too competitive, but she still won. I feel kind of nauseous still and I'm sweating a lot, but I know this is just the beginning.

"Times up," The nurse comes back, "You're all done for today," She de-accesses my port, which doesn't hurt too much but feels uncomfortable, and then dresses the entry point. Moms help me up.

"Thank you," I say to her, she actually looks at me and smiles. I text Taylor to let her know I'm done, and moms and I go back to the car to head home.

I start to feel sicker and sicker since I stood up from the comfy recliner chair at the hospital. I have to lie down in the back seat as we drive. By the time we get home, I can barely sit up without feeling like I'm gonna puke. Moms end up going in the house to get Jesus to carry me in, normally I'd be embarrassed but I'm too exhausted to care. I wrap my arms around my brother, and he carries me inside and up to my bed. I guess I won't be hanging out with my sisters and their friends after all. I start to puke into the bucket that now lives next to my bed, mom stays with me.

"How long 'til I start to feel better?" I ask her.

"Dr Chandra said about a week, and then a week after that we go in for your next round," I groan.

"Here love," She hands me my pill box, the nausea pills are part of my prescription now, "And tonight you can have some of your sleeping pills too," She says, "Try to take a nap, I'll come wake you up when Taylor's here," She tucks me in.

I manage to fall asleep for a little while, but mostly I just squirm around trying to get comfortable, the nausea pills have started to work though so at least I'm not puking every minute. After another short nap, I'm woken up by Taylor kneeling down next to my bed.


	9. Chapter 9

I woke up at 6 am, I'm still so exhausted but I can't get back to sleep, I was up most of the night puking, I made Callie and Mariana promise not to wake moms, so they had to deal with me, they're both fast asleep still. I can't stop thinking about later, Sophia's going to know something's wrong as soon as she sees how sick I look; my eyes have huge grey circles under them, I'm as pale as a ghost, and I'm so skinny that none of my pants fit me anymore. Not that it matters, I'm always in pyjamas now anyway. This is just the way my life is now. Sophia's probably going to cry, she'll ask what she can do to help and I won't be able to give her the answer she wants, the truth is no one can help, not really. I have cancer. Pretty soon, Mariana's alarm for school is going off.

"Morning," She says as she traipses past me into the bathroom. I feel so bad; she can't have gotten more than four hours of sleep last night and she has to go to school.

"Hey," I look over and see that Callie's awake, "What are you doing up?" She asks.

"Couldn't sleep," I respond monotonously. Mariana comes back in and pulls the curtains open, the brightness from outside makes my head spin.

"Do you need anything?" Callie asks as she sits up and ties her hair into a ponytail.

"No," I pull the comforter up over my head to block out the sun.

I hear Callie and Marianas muffled voices talking about me. I know they're scared; I am too. I would give anything for all of this to stop, for my family to stop worrying. I hate that I'm the reason they're all sad.

"Gracie," Callie gently pulls my comforter down and makes me look at her, "Talk to me," She looks even more worried than moms have been lately. Mariana looks at me strangely and then walks out of our room to go down for breakfast.

"I'm fine, just tired," I hide my face again, but she stands up and pulls the comforter all the way off me, "What the hell, Callie?" I roll over to face the wall and curl up.

"No," She tugs on my arm, "Talk to me,"

"Fine!" I sit up, "Just, please give me comforter back," She sits down on my bed and hands it back to me, "I'm just fed up… of being sick," She holds my hand, "I feel like I'm just here to make all of your lives miserable and I'm sick of it, I just want it all to stop," I hug my knees.

"Don't get mad but, do you think maybe you're getting bad again?" I can't believe she would ask me that.

"No, oh my God I can't have one bad day?"

"You're right, sorry, I just wanted to be sure," She looks down at the floor, "I just couldn't handle it if something happened because you were bottling up your feelings,"

"I know, I'm sorry too, I promise if I feel… like that again, I'll tell you, or moms or someone, it won't come to that," I sit next to her and hug her, "Thank you for caring, for checking up on me, I guess I just feel like a burden,"

"You're not," She smiles, "So, are you nervous? About telling Sophia?"

"Nervous is an understatement, I was hoping I could sleep all morning but-" I have to stop talking because I start to gag, Callie grabs the bucket just in time, "Sorry, um, yeah I'm scared," I get up to brush my teeth, I wobble for a second but after a few seconds I catch my balance. Callie follows me into the bathroom.

"I'll be there the whole time, and if you can't do it, I'll tell her, okay? We're in this together," She hugs me.

Mama and Callie sit with me at the kitchen table long after they've finished eating breakfast and the other kids have gone to school, just to make sure I at least eat a few mouthfuls of cereal. I manage a good few before I feel like I'm gonna puke again, but I keep it down. Mom's gone to work, and Brandon's gone back to college, so it's just the three of us until Sophia arrives. Despite feeling sick, I don't feel as bad as I have felt the past couple of days, so I help mama with lunch, I wanted to make something especially American for Sophia, I'm pretty sure all she's been eating in Italy is pasta and pizza so, we're making veggie burgers and fries. Well, mama does all the real cooking, but Callie and I sit at the table and chop all of the vegetables.

"So, she doesn't know anything?" Mama asks.

"Well, she knows I was sick a couple of weeks ago and she knows I passed out, but she thinks it's just the flu or something, we haven't really talked all that much,"

"You didn't tell her anything, Callie?"

"No, Gracie asked me not too, I just tried to avoid the subject as much as possible," She says, "I told Robert and Gill though,"

"Callie!" I yell.

"Hey, calm down Gracie," Mama looks at me sternly, "I'm sure she meant well,"

"What if they told her? I wanted her to hear it from me!"

"I told them not too, don't worry Gracie," Callie reaches across the table to hold my hand, "It's going to be fine, I promise," I start to cry a little.

"Sorry," I wipe my tears away, "God, I just don't want to upset her," Mama comes and sits next to me, she lets me lean into her.

"Sophia's a big girl, she can handle it, of course she'll be upset at first but she's your best friend and she'll be there for you no matter what," She kisses my head, "Callie and I will be here the whole time," The doorbell rings, Callie looks at me.

"I'll get it," Moments later Callie and Sophia are walking into the kitchen.

"G!" She comes running over to me and hugs me, "I've missed you so much,"

"I've missed you too," I try to sound like I haven't just been crying, "You're so tanned," I laugh.

"Are you crying? Come on it was only two months," She says, I look at Callie, and then mama, "What?"

"Sophia," She sits down next to me, "I have to tell you something," She looks at me, at my body.

"You've gotten so thin," She picks up my stick-like arm, "Are you still sick?"

"You should listen, Sophia," Callie says.

"Okay… what is it?" She sounds scared now.

"Um, so you know that I was sick, and I passed out," My voice shakes, I can barely look her in the eye.

"Yeah?"

"Well, I went to the hospital and I had all these tests and a biopsy," I take a breath, "Um," I start to cry harder.

"You want me to…?" Callie cuts in. I nod, "Uh, Gracie had Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma, it's a type of cancer," Sophia just looks at me, we sit in silence for a minute, then she gets up and hugs me, she bursts into tears. Callie and mama leave us alone. We just stand there for a while, hugging and crying, neither of us knows what to say.

"So, you've started chemo?" Sophia and I sit in the backyard while Callie and mama tend the garden.

"Yeah, I had my first round yesterday," We're both tearful still, but we're not sobbing anymore, which is progress, I guess.

"I'm so sorry I wasn't here,"

"Don't be stupid, you were in Italy, and I've got plenty of people here for me too," I reassure her.

"How did Taylor take it?" She asks.

"Well, I didn't tell her at first, we kind of broke up for a little bit, but we're back together now and better than ever, she's been amazing though," I smile at the thought of her.

"Damn, I guess I missed a lot," She giggles, "But seriously, are you okay?" She takes my hands.

"Yeah, I mean I feel gross and everything but I'm just happy I'm getting treatment and then hopefully everything will go back to normal, everything was going so well," I miss being normal.

"And it'll be great again, especially now that I'm here," She hugs me again, but I have to push her away and run inside to the bathroom, she follows me and stands there in shock as I puke my guts up, "Gracie," She looks at me. I sit back against the tiled wall.

"Sorry you had to see that," I wipe my mouth with some toilet paper and flush it all away.

"Is it always this bad?" She sits next to me, I nod. She stays with me, even though she hates puke, and I don't mean a normal hate, like she is terrified of it, so it really means a lot that she's sitting here putting herself through this all for me.

"Can you help me up?" I ask after a little while. She pulls me up off of the floor and takes me all the way back upstairs, I pretty much collapse on my bed. She sits down next to me. I hear making these little whimpering sounds and look up at her to see that she's crying again, "Hey, S," I pull her closer to me, "I'm fine, okay?" I stroke her hair, "I'm gonna get better and then the only time you'll have to help me to bed will be at our 21st birthday party when I get too drunk," I manage to get a laugh out of her.

"We have to wait until we're 21?" She wipes her tears away.

"Remember what happened last time we drank?" I say, remembering the nightmare events at Taylor's house.

"Yeah, I got high and had a panic attack while you were upstairs having sex," She laughs.

"I didn't have sex!" I whisper, on the off chance that mama can hear us from downstairs.

"You didn't?" She's genuinely confused.

"No! I would tell you if I did," I hit her playfully, "All this time you thought Taylor and I were…?"

"Well yeah, I just kind of figured,"

"Well, we didn't, and we're not," I admit.

"Seriously?" She's surprised.

"Seriously! I can't believe you thought I wouldn't have told you, I mean, you'd tell me, right?" For a split second, I question whether or not she would.

"Obviously! I'd be over here so fast to tell you and Callie all about it," She's smiling again, "That's what best friends do,"

"Hey, I thought we were sisters?"

"Well duh," She nudges me, "So you and Taylor really aren't-"

"No! Give it a rest," I throw my pillow at her.

"Okay, okay, sorry," We laugh, and then mama comes in.

"Hey, you two alright in here?" She asks, "I saw you run inside,"

"I took care of her," Sophia smiles and puts her arm around me, "That's what _sisters _are for," She hugs me, I squeeze her back, "G, your nose," I put a hand up to my face and it comes away covered in blood, I look at Sophia, there's blood on her shoulder, I can feel it running down my face, mama runs into the bathroom and comes back with a towel.

"Lie back," She says as she gently pushes me backwards, she props a pillow under my neck to keep my head tilted, Sophia is just standing there in shock, "It's not stopping," Mama says, she pulls the towel away from my face and it's almost completely covered with thick, red blood.


	10. Chapter 10

"Mama?" I'm back in the hospital, the last thing I remember was Sophia panicking in the corner while mama tried to stop my nose from bleeding, "What happened?" I try to sit up, but nurse Holly and mama gently push me back down.

"You lost a lot of blood sweetie, try to relax," The panic in mamas voice isn't very relaxing, "You're okay, you just had a really bad nose bleed, and we had to call an ambulance, you're low on platelets," She points up to my IV stand at one of the bags, it's filled with this gross yellow stuff, "They're putting them in you know,"

"You can go home again soon, sweetie," Nurse Holly says, we just have to get your strength back up," Strength? What strength? Since weeks before I was even diagnosed, I've been weak.

"Where's mom?" I ask

"She's at home with the kids, but don't worry, we'll be back there soon,"

"Sophia, she was over, is she okay?" Sophia hates blood, she must have been so scared. Mama comforts me.

"Yeah she's fine, she came in the ambulance with us and her dad picked her up a couple of hours ago," She hands me my phone, "Why don't you text her? Let her know you're okay," I take it from her and start rapidly texting Sophia, I know how much of a worrier she is, then I start calling Taylor, I doubt she knows what's happened.

"Hey, how are you feeling? Did you tell her?" She says, my body relaxes as soon as I hear her voice.

"I'm okay, uh, yeah I told her, she was really upset at first and she cried a little, but I think she's gonna be okay, she'll get her head around it,"

"What's wrong? You sound upset," She knows me too well.

"I'm… um, I'm back in the hospital, I had a nose bleed and I guess I lost a lot of blood and mama had to call an ambulance, but I'm okay I promise, they're giving me a platelet transfusion and apparently I can go home soon,"

"Oh my God, that's sucks, you want me to come and see you?"

"No, that's okay, it's been a really long day and I just need to rest, but I'll be home by tomorrow, so after school you can come, we can have another movie night?"

"Yeah, I'll be there, I love you, Gracie,"

"Love you," I hear make a kissing sound through the phone.

Mama ends up falling asleep in the armchair while my platelets go in, I already feel a little better. They're going to start giving more platelets every time I have chemo, just to be on the safe side. I have to wait for another hour before I can go home. I don't mind though, at least I don't have to spend the night here again. I'm worried though, I know I've only been on chemo for a day but I'm worried that it's not working. I can't get any sicker, it'll be too difficult for everyone, including me, I know I'll just hate life more and more and I can't go to that dark place again, I don't think I'd ever come back.

Mama's phone buzzes on the table, but she doesn't stir, so I pick it up and see that it's a text from mom. _'We need to talk about how we're going to pay for all of this, we're getting close to having to take out another loan and I don't know if we'll even be eligible at this point,' _I knew we'd start running out of money, they paid all of my legal bills, they pay my prescriptions, not to mention all the things they pay for the other kids. If mama keeps taking time away from work, we're going to end up out on the street and it'll be my fault. Mom can take all the double shifts and night shifts she wants but it'll never be enough, not if mama stays home all the time. I have to find a way to get her to go back.

"Okay," Nurse Holly comes back in, "Looks like you're good to go," She shows me the empty platelet bag.

"Oh, great," Mama wakes up, "You've got your rosy cheeks back," She strokes my cheek and smiles. Holly takes out my IV and I change back into my own clothes.

"I don't feel so faint anymore," I tell mama as we get in the house, "I still feel sick though," Before we even reach the stairs, I have to run up to the bathroom to throw up. And now my legs feel like jelly just from that short run.

"Gracie? Is that you?" Mariana comes into the bathroom, "Oh, do you need anything?" She crouches next to me and holds my hair back.

"No, I'm fine, I just need to be alone," I brush her off, and she leaves, closing the door behind her. I reach up and lock it. Slumped against the wall, I start crying as quietly as possible. Everything is falling apart again. I don't know what to do.

"Gracie?" Jesus knocks on the door, "Are you crying?

"Leave me alone, Jesus," I say through the door.

"Come on, let me in," I know he won't go away until I open the door, so I do, but I don't look up from the floor. He sits down opposite me, "Talk to me," He says, "Tell me what's wrong," He hands me some tissues.

"I just feel like everything is going to go wrong again,"

"Why? Because you're sick, Gracie, you're going to be fine and everything will go back to normal, I promise,"

"But how long will that take? What if there isn't enough time to…" I stop myself, "Forget it," I dry my tears.

"Enough time to what?" He looks at me with his serious face, but I stay silent, "Come on, whatever it is you're so worried about you can't keep it all bottle up, it'll drive you crazy," He's right.

"If I tell you, you can't tell moms or any of the others, okay?"

"Yeah, okay, I promise,"

"Not even Mariana, you have to swear," I start whispering.

"I promise, G, tell me,"

"Back at the hospital, mama was sleeping and she got a text from mom, I wasn't snooping I just didn't see the point in waking mama up if it wasn't something important," I take a breath, "They're getting behind on all the hospital bills and everything else and they might not be able to get any more loans, which means we could lose the house," He just sits there looking at me.

"Don't be stupid, we're not going to lose the house, as soon as you're better mama will go back to work and everything will be fine,"

"Jesus, I'm really sick, it could take months, maybe even years to get better, so we need to find a way to get her to go back to work now," He doesn't know what to say, but he knows I'm right.


	11. Chapter 11

"So, Jesus told me that he's going to figure something out, and that I need to stop worrying about it and worry about myself," I tell Taylor everything.

"Well, maybe he's right," She says, "I just mean that your moms are going to find a way to get the money and it's not your problem to deal with, especially not while you're sick, you have to focus all of your energy on getting better, " She strokes my hair.

"But there won't be a me to focus on if we run out of money," I look at her, she looks hurt, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean that, I just don't want it to come to that," I wrap my arms around her and let her head rest on my shoulder.

"Neither do I," She looks up at me, "Can we just forget all of this stuff for a little while and pretend it's all fine?" She kisses me, a long, lingering kiss.

"Really? A make-out session, while I'm like this?" I gesture down at my frail and weak body. I feel so ugly.

"You look hot to me," She kisses my neck, sending shivers down my spine, I kiss her back and she rolls on top of me, she runs her fingers through my hair. I kiss her harder, but she stops and pulls away.

"What's wrong?" I ask her, but she looks down at her hand.

"Your hair…" Tangled in her fingers is a clump of my brown hair, it's already started to fall out, I take it from her.

"Oh, that's happening now," I sit up, she moves off of my lap and sits next to me.

"Are you okay?" She asks. I run a hand through my hair and more comes out.

"Uh, yeah, I just didn't think this would happen so fast, it's only my first week of chemo," I feel my eyes fill with tears, but I squeeze them out and wipe them away.

"Your treatment's aggressive, so that's probably why, and why you got so sick straight away," She holds my hand, "Here," She picks up the trash bin and holds it in front of me. I hesitate for a second and then drop the locks in. I get up, and walk over to the mirror, it doesn't look like it's thinning too bad, no one would notice yet.

"Whatever," I turn back to Taylor, "It's just hair," I climb back into bed and snuggle up with her, my head on her chest and her arms wrapped around me, keeping me safe and warm. I can't help but let out a few tears, she doesn't react, she just strokes my arms and kisses me. Neither of us is in the mood now, and I feel uglier than I did before.

A couple of hours later, after Taylor leaves and it's time for dinner, I slide on one of Callie's old hats. I know my hair isn't noticeable yet, but I feel better with on. Until I get downstairs.

"Nice hat," Jesus sneers and mocks me. I swat his arm.

"Are you cold honey?" Mama rushes over to me immediately wraps her sweater around me.

"Uh, yeah a little," I adjust the sweater, so it reaches my fingertips, "But other than that I'm feeling better today, only puked a couple of times," This is somewhat of an achievement for me when you consider the fact that over the past couple of days I've puked just about as much as I've breathed.

"Well that's good, love," Mom makes my plate and hands it down the table to me.

"Yeah, I guess," I'm worried, I can't help it. I know I shouldn't worry about the money and I swear I'm trying to leave it with my moms, but it just feels so impossible. And on top of that, I'm getting more and more concerned that the chemo won't get rid of my cancer at all and I'll be dead within a matter of months, maybe even weeks. But I don't express anything, not right now, everyone's just getting their head around it. If I start panicking about dying, then all of my siblings will too, and moms don't need that. They told me to talk to them about anything, and I will, just not here in front of everyone. But does that mean I should bring up the money? I guess there's no point, no matter what they say to me I'm going to be stressed out about it.

After everyone is finished eating, I'm still pushing my food around my plate as they all clean up around me. I've had a better appetite today but it's my anxiety about everything that's making me lose it again. My brothers and sisters all disappear to go out with their friends, while moms sit back down at the table with me.

"Moms," I say quietly, almost hoping they don't hear me, so I don't have to talk about my feelings.

"Yeah, sweetie?" Mom looks up from her phone, notices the tears in my eyes and tucks her phone away in her pocket, "What is it, love?" She reaches across the table to hold my hand.

"I'm just," I look at their faces, they're worrying already, "I'm scared," My voice shakes, they shoot up out of their seats and come to comfort me, rocking me.

"I know, we are too, but you know what? It's going to be okay; you are going to be okay," Mama says, "Before you know it you'll be back at school with your friends and going on dates with Taylor,"

"Yeah and you'll be back talking us again in no time," Mom jokes, "There's that smile," She pinches my cheek, "We know how daunting all of this must be, but you know we're always here right?" I nod, "You're so cold," She warms up my hands with her own, "Come on let's get you tucked up in bed,"

"I have some paperwork to get on top of, but I'll come and say goodnight to you baby," Mama says.

Mom helps me get up the stairs, the crying has worn me out, she sits me down on my bed and grabs a pair of my socks.

"When I'm sick I like to bundle up as warm as possible," She starts pulling the fluffy socks on to my feet, and wraps a blanket over my shoulders, "Is that better?" I nod, "Here, lay down," She starts to fluff up my pillow, but she suddenly stops. Then she looks at me, pain in her eyes.

"What?" I ask her, looking over to the pillow that is carpeted with my hair, "Oh, that," I brush the strands away into the trash, "It just started happening," I lay back on my bed and curl up in all of the blankets.

"Why didn't you say something, love?" She brushes a few strands off of my cheek but they end up tangled in her fingers.

"I don't want anyone making a big fuss over it, it's just hair, please don't tell the others about this mom," I beg her.

"Okay, love, I won't," She holds my hand, "How about tomorrow me and you head into town and we find you some of your own hats?" She tries to seem collected, but I can tell she's sad for me.

"No, that's okay, I was hoping I could spend the day with Taylor, it's the weekend and she's cleared her schedule for me," I tell her.

"Yeah, of course, love, what's the plan?" She asks. Since I've been sick, she and mama are so much more interested in my relationship with Taylor than ever before.

"Well, probably watch some movies, and then if I'm feeling up to it we were gonna go get lunch somewhere," Her face goes from smiling to a furrowed concerned brow.

"Gracie," She sighs, "I don't think you should be going out anywhere alone,"

"I won't be alone," I laugh, "I'll be with Taylor,"

"I mean without me or mama there,"

"Why not? What's the big deal we're just going to some café," I argue.

"What if something happened and we weren't there to help you," She tries to convince me it's a bad idea.

"Taylor will help me, please mom, just for an hour or two," I beg again, "You can even drop us off and pick us up if it would make you feel better," I say. She takes a moment to think about it.

"I'll talk to mama, okay? We'll talk tomorrow, just try to get some rest now love," She hands me all of my pills and my water bottle.

"Okay, love you," I swallow the lump of white capsules with a mouthful of water.

"Love you too," She kisses me and switches off the light.


	12. Chapter 12

Taylor comes over first thing in the morning, moms are upstairs doing the laundry and all of the others have gone out, so it's almost like we have the place to ourselves.

"Okay, so I'm thinking Nutella pancakes?" She sifts through the grocery bag she brought with her.

"You're cooking us breakfast?" I smile at my girlfriend as she whizzes around the kitchen.

"Yeah, I thought we could sit outside in the sun and have a little stay-at-home date, you know, just in case your moms won't let you out later, and then movies," She puts on one of mama's aprons, "How do I look?" She poses with a whisk and I snap a picture of her on my phone.

"Hot," I smile, "Can't I have you for breakfast?" I flirt. She comes over to kiss me but stops at the last second and instead flicks the whisk at me, getting pancake mix on me.

"Not today," She throws me a towel and gets back to cooking. I move over to the couch and lay back, watching her, I put on some music and relax.

I feel good today, I still feel tired and kind of gross, but I don't feel nearly as bad as I did at the start of the week. It's nice to just spend time with my girlfriend. She sends me out to the backyard to lay the table for us, and moments later she comes out with two plates.

"Wow, you really outdid yourself," I say with a mouthful of Nutella pancakes.

"It was a box mix, but I added extra sugar, for my sugar," She leans over and kisses me.

"I love you so much," I look at her.

Moms agreed to let Taylor and me go to the movies, but Jesus has to chaperone us. Jesus, a chaperone, it just doesn't add up. But he's bringing Emma so we can at least pretend it's a double date, and he agreed to sit a few rows behind us. I don't even know what movie we saw; I fell asleep on Taylor's shoulder during the previews, but it was a pretty good nap.

"Gracie," Taylor whispers, I open my eyes to a fully lit, empty movie theatre.

"Hey, where's Jesus and Emma?" I ask.

"They're pulling the car around front, come on," She helps me stand up and I feel so weak that I have to lean most of my weight on her as we walk out of the building, I practically fall into the backseat of the car. How is it possible to still feel this exhausted after a two-hour nap?

Jesus drops Emma and Taylor off at home and I get into the front seat with him, he seems a little off.

"Have you thought any more about the money thing?" I ask him.

"I told you not to worry about that," He sort of snaps at me, "Sorry, I just- I just don't want you working yourself up about it," He sighs, "I'll figure it out okay? It's going to be fine," I simply nod, and we spend the rest of the drive home in complete silence.

"How was the date?" Mariana asks as I climb into bed.

"I wouldn't know, I slept through the whole thing," I laugh, "But it was nice I guess," I feel tempted to talk to Mariana about what happened in the car, she knows Jesus better than anyone and she might know what he's planning, but if I tell her she might freak out and tell moms and that'll just be a nightmare, so I opt against it and let her drone on about her date with Mat. Just as she's about to tell me the details of her evening, something starts to feel wrong.

"Mariana," I interrupt her, "Get moms," I say. My chest tightens up and I start coughing uncontrollably, gasping for breath but it feels impossible, almost like I'm drowning. In practically the blink of an eye my moms, Mariana and Jude are in my bedroom crowded over me as I flop back onto my bed, another blink and there are paramedics here putting an oxygen mask on me, one more blink and I open my eyes in the one place I've been trying and failing to avoid, the hospital.

"What happened this time?" I roll my eyes and sit up to see Nurse Holly again.

"Your lungs filled with fluid, you were essentially drowning," She sits down, "Do you want me to get your moms?" She asks.

"Not yet, I just need a minute to wrap my head around this,"

"Your doctor put a chest tube in to drain the fluid, you'll need to wear the nasal cannula from now on, to help you breathe,"

"What caused it?" I ask her.

"Your doctor will explain all of that, she'll be by soon," She looks kind of upset, must be pretty bad news, "I'll go get you a drink and then I'll send your moms in,"

The cancer has spread to my lungs, I'm sure of it, or I have an infection or something. This must be some kind of record for the fastest progressing cancer. Soon enough, moms rush in and hug me, causing me to cough a little.

"How do you feel?" Mama says.

"I'm okay, Holly said my lungs filled with fluid, I remember thinking it felt like I was drowning, turns out I was," They stroke my hair, "I'm okay, really,"

"Hi there Adams-Fosters," Doctor Simons comes in, "Gracie, has anyone explained what happened yet?" She pulls a chair up

"Just that my lungs filled up, and I could have drowned,"

"Well technically it was the space between your lungs that filled with fluid, it's called the pleural space, your cancer has spread there and that's what caused the build-up, I had to put a tube in between your ribs, so you'll be a little tender for a while," She shows me my scans, "The build-up made your lungs close up in order to make room for it, that's why you couldn't breathe,"

"So, it's getting worse? Awesome," I scoff.

"We'd like you to stay here for a little while, and continue your treatment as an in-patient," She doesn't beat around the bush.

"What? You want me to live here?" I look at her, then to my moms who seem to agree with her, "No, no way, I want to go home," This is impossible, we can't afford this, but I can't say anything, then they'd know I'm worrying about it and they'd worry even more.

"Gracie," Mom takes my hand, "This is for the best," There's no point arguing, I won't win. Not that I'll ever win this. I have no choice but to accept the doctor's orders.

"If things go well here, we can talk about home-visits," Doctor Simons says, "It's not forever, Gracie, it's just for now," She gets up, "I'll leave you guys to talk,"

"I need sleep," I roll over and pull the sheets up over my head. I hear moms shuffling around before they finally decide to leave me alone. That's when I let it all out, I sob like a baby. I find myself hoping Jesus has found a way to get some money, no matter how bad it is. And it's not because I'm being selfish, it's because I don't want to put moms through anymore crap than they're already putting up with. I start struggling to breathe again so I have to calm myself down before I go into full-blown panic attack mode.


	13. Chapter 13

The days drag by so slowly. All-day every day I sit in my new room at the hospital, mama's always here with me, I've told her over and over again that I'll be fine if she goes back to work, but she ignores me. I have my chemo done in my room, I sleep, I eat what I can, but mostly I just lie here in bed. My hair has been coming out in clumps, all I have left are a few wispy strands that rest on my shoulders, I wear Callie's hat all the time. I've been trying not to work myself up because I know if I have a panic attack the pain in my chest will just get worse. Somehow, the pain is getting worse anyway, but not where my wound from the chest tube is, it's sort of everywhere.

"Mama," I say, "I kind of feel like I have a cold coming on," This worries her instantly.

"You do feel kind of warm," She touches my head, "How's your throat? Is your nose blocked?"

"My throat hurts all the time from the puking but it feels worse than normal, and I feel like my nostrils are plugged," Normally I wouldn't say anything, but I really don't feel right and I know that if I have any kind of infection it could be really dangerous for me.

"I'll get the nurse," She bolts out of the room so fast you'd think there was a fire, instantly I feel bad for making her panic when it's probably nothing at all.

"I think it's just from the chemo mama," I say when she and Holly come back in.

"Could it be an infection?" She ignores me and talks to Holly.

"There's nothing to worry about yet," She puts a thermometer in my ear, "Are you hot?" She asks.

"A little, I guess," The thermometer beeps.

"Your temperature is a little higher than I'd like but it's not worth stressing over, I'll keep checking it and if it gets any higher I'll do some blood tests and call Doctor Simons, just try to relax and I'll turn the AC up a little," I nod and Holly leaves, but mama still looks nervous.

"It's fine mama, I don't think it's that bad," I hold her hand. I'm just as worried as she is but I need to be strong for her.

"I know, I'm gonna go call your mom and let her know what's going on," I can see that she's fighting back tears as she goes out into the hallway. I hate that I'm causing all this pain again.

"Mama," I open my eyes and see that I'm alone in my room.

"Gracie? Are you okay?" Mike appears in the doorway, "You need me to get the nurse?"

"No, I'm fine, where are my moms?" I ask him.

"They had to go and deal with something, so I offered to come and stay with you for a little bit,"

"Why what's happened?" I sit up.

"I don't want you to freak out," Mike sits down at the end of my bed, "But he's been arrested,"

"Arrested?" I fight against the pain in my entire body to get out of bed, "I need to see him,"

"You're not going anywhere," Mike gently pushes me back down, I'm too weak to fight him off, "He's fine, I promise, your moms are with him at the station,"

"Let me go!" I scream at him, alarming him just enough so that he takes a few steps away from me, "It's my fault, I have to go," I scramble to feet, rip the cannula out of my chest and throw my breathing tube down. Every step is agony, and as I find myself sinking to the floor, I feel Mikes arms wrapping around me, and then I'm surrounded by nurses and doctors and then it's just dark.

I wake up on my bedroom floor, and the corner where my bed usually sits is bare, in fact, every trace that I was ever in this room has vanished, all my photos with my family, all the second-hand makeup that Mariana gave me, all gone. Walking downstairs I can hear my mom talking in the kitchen, I step lightly, as though the floor might crumble underneath me. My family are all sat around the table, mom's reading something, she has tears in her eyes. I look to Jude, he's crying too, Mariana has her head rested on Brandon's shoulder, he's fighting tears back as well. Callie sits there with a blank face, unsure of where to look. Mama's stood up at the sink, staring out of the window, and Jesus is nowhere to be seen.

"What's going on?" I ask, but no one bats an eye at me.

"I'm sorry that I couldn't get out in time to be there today," Mom reads, "I miss you all so much and I hate that I let Gracie down like this, I hope she knows that. I love you, Jesus," She wipes her nose. I realise everyone is dressed in blue, my favourite colour, and I'm taken back to when my birth brother died, and I told my sisters that I want everyone to wear blue at my funeral. That's what this is, I'm standing in my kitchen watching my family mourn for me. I'm dead. And Jesus, he's in jail.

"Wait, stop," I walk over to my moms, they still can't see me, "I'm right here!" I scream at them. I turn to my siblings but suddenly it's nothing but darkness, and I'm lying down. I try to reach out in front of me, but the back of my hand grazes a soft, cold wall. The air is thin. I'm underground. I'm in a coffin. I really am dead.

I wake up from my nightmare. Mama and Mike are talking.

"I don't know, she just lost it when I told her where you guys were, she kept saying it was her fault," I stare over at them, they don't know I'm awake.

"Her fault? What was her fault?" Mama asks.

"Jesus," I speak up.

"Gracie," Mama grabs my hand, and Mike backs out of the room, closing the door behind him, "What happened? Holly said you had some kind of…episode?" I've been trying so hard to get better and now everyone's going to think I'm going crazy again.

"What did Jesus do?" I ask her.

"Oh, forget about that, you need to focus on you," I just look at her, she sighs, "He was caught breaking into a house and trying to steal some money,"

"Mama," I cry, "Where is he? Can I see him?" I have no energy to try and make a break for it again.

"He's still down at the station with mom,"

"Are they gonna charge him?" Is he going to juvie?" I panic "It's all my fault," I sob into my pillow,

"Honey, calm down," Mama makes me drink water and guides me through the breathing exercises that Holly gave me, "We're going to do everything we can to keep him home with us, okay? He's not going anywhere," She strokes my face, "Why do you think it's your fault?" I don't say anything, "Gracie, no more secrets, remember? Listen, if you think he did this because you're sick, then you're wrong, he made this decision himself, it was stupid and dangerous, but it's not your fault,"

She's come up with her own theory, I could go along with it, and never have to tell her that I know about the text. Or I could take this opportunity to be honest, but I don't want to get Jesus into any more trouble than he already is. I have to speak to him first.

"Hey," Holly comes into my room, "You feeling any better?" She asks as she checks my vitals.

"I feel groggy, achy, nauseous, I have a headache, I'm dizzy," Mama looks at me almost in shock at the fact I'm being so honest, "And I feel like I'm getting hotter," She checks my temperature again.

"Okay, it's getting up there, I'm going to do some blood tests,"

Since I've been an inpatient I'm not so scared of needles, it's just part of my life now. But the thought of having a fever and getting even sicker is terrifying, especially with everything going on with Jesus. As the nurse pages my doctor, takes my blood and double-checks everything, I start to feel worse and worse, I'm so breathless, I can't stop throwing up. Doctor Simons arrives, sees the state I'm in and gets a rush on the results of my bloods.

"Let me see your wound from the chest tube," She asks. I can barely move my arms, so mama rolls up my shirt for me, "Okay, something's not right,"

"What does that mean? What do we do?" Mama's voice shakes.

"I suggest you call your wife; I want to take Gracie into surgery right away,"

"Don't call mom," I pant, "She needs to stay with Jesus," A bunch more nurses come into my room and immediately start prepping me, "Mama," I squeeze her hand, "He has to be okay," I cry.

"We have to go now," Doctor Simons says.

"I love you, honey, it's going to be fine, I promise," She kisses my cheek and I'm taken away from her, fading in and out of consciousness as I'm rolled down the halls.


	14. Chapter 14

"Is Jesus okay?" I ask mom as I slowly come around after surgery.

"He's fine, love, how are you? Do you need anything?" She changes the subject.

"Is he going home? I want to see him," I ignore her questions, I need to know if my brother is going to juvie or not, and I need to apologize, it's my fault he did this in the first place.

"The owners of the house he broke into haven't decided if they're going to press charges yet, so he's spending the night in a group home," She sighs, "Mama's with the social worker dropping him off now,"

"No," I say, "Why can't he go home?"

"Gracie, I know you're scared but you need to focus on you, you just got out of surgery," She's been crying, mom hardly ever cries.

"You're a cop! Why can't you do something?" I yell at her, straining myself.

"Gracie!" She raises her voice, "Please, I need you to calm down," She takes my hand, "Jesus can handle himself; he'll be fine, you still have a fever and I need you to get better," She tears up.

"I'm sorry," I relax my body for a moment, when slowly, the pain starts to set in, I feel like someone's stuck a knife into me and they're twisting it around, "What happened?"

"You got some kind of infection, from where the chest tube was placed, they've got you on anti-biotics, the surgery was just to take a closer look at the space between your lungs, they've patched everything up again and they're going to be extra vigil about cleaning and dressing it from now on,"

"Don't cry mom," I flip into protector mode, "I'll be fine, this is just another obstacle that I can tackle, I'll get better," I tell her.

"I know, I know you will," She looks scared, "We got this," She squeezes my hands.

"Hey," Mama comes in, "How are you?" She's out of breath. She kisses me on the forehead, "Did everything go okay?" She asks mom.

"Doctor Simons said everything went well and we just all have to be careful about kind of infections we could pass on to Gracie," She tells her, "So here, sanitise," She passes mama a little bottle of hand sanitiser.

"Has Jesus called you?" Mama cleans her hands, "I told him to call one of us from the home as soon as he could,"

"No, I haven't heard anything yet," Mom says, I grab my phone and find a bunch of missed calls from a landline number, "Gracie?"

"He's been trying to call me," I dial back as fast as I can.

"Gracie, stop," Mama grabs the phone out of my hands and hangs up,

"Mama! What are you doing? He obviously wants to talk to me!" I try to reach to grab the phone from her, but it hurts too much and I have to flop back on the bed, I let out a groan.

"This is what I'm talking about Gracie!" Mom says, "You can't keep pushing yourself like this," She hands me my cup of water.

"I have to talk to him," I say weakly.

"The social worker gave me very strict instructions, we can't contact the home ourselves, he has to be the one making the call, and it can't be past 8 pm," Mama says, "I know it sucks but do you really want Jesus to be any more trouble than he already is?" She's right, if I call him back, who knows what might happen to him in there. I've been in some bad group homes before, I'll never forgive myself if he got hurt. It's my fault he's there and I can't make it any worse for him, I won't.

"I'm sorry," I burst into tears, "You should go," I say to them.

"Oh love," Mom tries to comfort me, "Come here,"

"No!" I shout, "Please, go," I roll over and pull the sheets up over my head. I wait until I hear their footsteps lead out of the room and the door closes, and I start to sob hysterically, no matter how much it hurts I can't stop. What have I done? If I could have just kept him out of this, he'd be fine. He's never going to speak to me again. I want to call Taylor, I need her here with me but mama took my phone. I crawl out of bed onto the floor and slowly make my way over to the table where my laptop is sat. I have to bring my IV stand with me. My shaky hands find the keyboard and I start messaging Taylor to come to the hospital, it's late so visiting hours are over, but she knows I wouldn't ask if I didn't need her. I push my computer away and I have to lay flat on the floor to stop the room from spinning. I put myself in the recovery position and try my best to do all the breathing exercises to calm myself down, and eventually, all I can do is lie shivering, staring at the wall.

"Gracie!" Taylor runs over to me, "I need to get your moms," She's about to yell for them.

"No," I grab her hands, "I don't want them," I pull her closer to me, and put my head on her lap, "Don't go," She pulls my blanket off the bed and wraps it around me.

"What happened?" She's crying.

"I just needed you," I tell her, "I didn't have my phone,"

"Come on, let's get you back into bed,"

"No, I want to stay here, with you," I squeeze her hands so tight. She grabs some pillows and another blanket and lays down behind me, with her arm resting on mine.

"I'm not going anywhere, okay?" She kisses my cheek and starts to run her fingers through my hair. I fall asleep but wake up what feels like only moments later, only, now I'm back in my bed and Taylor's nowhere to be seen.

Mama is here, sitting in her usual spot, looking at me.

"What happened last night?" She asks me, "Something's going on isn't it?"

"What do you mean?" I try to play dumb.

"Don't lie to me, Gracie," She says. But I say nothing, I can't tell her, not until I talk to Jesus. It wouldn't be fair. Mama sighs and leaves the room. She's mad at me. Since I've been sick, moms haven't really gotten mad at me at all, they just get sad. She must be really worried now. I look around my room, my phone is back on my bedside table, ringing.

"Jesus?" I answer, "Is that you?"

"Gracie," I hear his voice, "Are you okay? Moms said you needed more surgery?"

"Forget about me I'm fine, Jesus what the hell were you thinking?"

"I don't know, it was dumb, it made sense at the time, I'm sorry," He's crying.

"Why are you sorry?" I cry too, "You only did this because of me,"

"It was a stupid decision and I was wrong, don't blame yourself, and," He pauses, "I wouldn't blame you if you told moms,"

"Do you think I should?" I shudder, "Won't it only make them madder at me?"

"Gracie, they're not mad at you-"

"Get off the phone!" I hear another voice.

"Jesus?"

"Gracie, I gotta-" A loud banging sound comes through the phone before it cuts off.

"No!" I scream and struggle to catch my breath, then the beeping of my heart monitor starts. Nurse Holly and mama come rushing in but all I can do is moan out in pain. Everything hurts, I can feel the blood trickling out my nose, and I start puking again.

"Gracie?" Mama says, "Holly what's happening?" She asks.

"I need help in here!" Holly yells, and then the other nurses come in, I watch them usher mom out of the room, I see her pressing herself up against the glass, but someone closes the blinds on her, but I keep staring at that same spot in the window where I know she's still standing, going out of her mind worrying. And I start to wonder, could I stop the worrying? Could I make it easier for everyone and just… let go? They'd be sad, but they'd be okay in the end, why keep putting them through this? I look up at the ceiling. The beeping sound gets faster and faster, but I feel calmer. I'm relaxed.

"We're losing her," Someone says. I let a smile fall across my face, the fast beeping becomes singular and long, and finally, I close my eyes.


	15. Chapter 15

"Oh, thank God," I hear mama's voice, "Gracie, can you hear me?" I open my eyes, I'm not dead.

"Mama!" I cry and hug her.

"You're okay, I've got you," She's crying too, "You scared the life out of me,"

"I'm not dead," I have to say it out loud, "Oh my God, I'm not dead,"

"What do you mean, Gracie?"

"I thought I let go, I had convinced myself it was the best thing for everyone if I just- If I just died,"

"Oh baby," Mama cries harder.

"But that's not what I want," I tell her, "I don't want to die,"

"I know you don't, come here," We hug again.

"Mama, I was on the phone to Jesus, he called me, but we got cut off, it sounded like he got hurt," My stomach is in knots, "Have you heard from him is he okay?"

"So that's what set you off," She says, "He's fine, I promise, I spoke to him a couple of hours ago," I let out a sigh of relief.

"He's okay?" Mama nods, "And, what happened to me?" I ask.

"At first they thought you were having a seizure, that's why they sent me out of the room, but it was your body going into shock after your platelets got low again, and you also were having a pretty bad panic attack,"

"I should have told you how sick I felt," I say.

"Don't blame yourself, it's okay, Holly and Doctor Simons said you're doing a lot better now, they were worried they might have to stop your chemo for a while, but now it looks like we can keep going and maybe you can come home for a few nights next weekend,"

"That's- That's amazing,"

"You don't sound too happy," She sees right through me.

"Jesus, is he still in that group home?"

"He is, he's been there for a few nights now,"

"A few nights? That's how long I've been out for?"

"In and out, but he's okay, he's getting along with his roommate,"

"How long does he have to stay there for? Did the owners of the house press charges?" I try my best to stay calm and avoid another 'episode'.

"They didn't, but the judge decided to give him two weeks of community service and he has to stay in the group home for the duration of that,"

"That's not fair!"

"He broke the law, that's what happens," She seems way too nonchalant about this, "Listen, I'm going to go and tell Holly you're awake, Callie's here, I'll send her in," Mama's too afraid to leave me alone now.

"Hey," Callie hugs me, "I've missed you," I scoot over so she can sit next to me.

"I missed you too,"

"Jesus'll be fine, don't worry," She puts her arm around me.

"I have to tell mama the truth," I say, "He only did what he did because of me,"

"Gracie, it's not your fault, he made this choice,"

"No! I saw a text on mama's phone, it was from mom, it said we're running out of money to pay for my treatment," I sigh, "I told Jesus' about it and that's why he tried to rob those people,"

"Gracie, listen to me, it's not your fault," She doesn't seem fazed at all, "Jesus told moms why he did it, no one blames you,"

"He did? Look, it doesn't matter if you blame me or not, someone needs to tell the judge why he did it, he can't stay in that group home!"

"He told the judge at the hearing, and the owners of the house, that's why they didn't press charges," Callie tries to keep me calm.

"So why was he sentenced at all?"

"Because," Mama comes back in with Holly, "As I said, he broke the law, and there are always consequences for that," I sit still while Holly does all my vitals.

"I'm sorry I lied," I tell mama, "But this isn't fair, can't mom do something about this? She's a police officer she must have some power,"

"Gracie," Callie says, "She's the one that caught him,"

"What? Mom arrested him?" I can't believe it, this whole time I've been blaming myself and it was mom who did this. She's the reason he could have gone to juvie and she's the reason he's stuck in a group home doing community service.

"Mom and I talked for a long time about this," Mama sits down, "We both agreed that regardless of why he did it, he needs to face up to the consequences,"

This is bull, moms both want him in that place, they could easily get him home and just ground him but instead, they're doing this. It's ridiculous. No wonder he's not pissed at me, it's them he's angry with.

I tried to get mama to leave me alone for a few hours, but she insists on having me watched at all times, I can't even have Taylor here because she's sick and I can't risk another infection or fever. I've barely spoken to her or mom the past few days. Every time one of them leaves to get a coffee or something to eat, they send one of my brothers or sisters in here, they're all walking on eggshells around me, afraid to set me off again.

"Can you stop Jude?" I snap at my brother.

"What?"

"Running around doing things for me, I'm fine," I sigh, "You're treating me like a baby, can't you just leave me alone?"

"You know I can't," He sits down.

"I don't know why though, the doctor said I'm doing better, why can't I just get a little space for a change?" I plead with him.

"Okay," He walks over to close the door and comes back to my bedside, "Don't tell moms I told you this,"

"What is it, Jude?" I beg.

"They think you're getting bad again, you know, like before?" I knew this would happen; I can't have a few bad days without being labelled as suicidal.

"Do the others think that too? Do you?" I ask.

"I don't know, Gracie, you've been acting so different lately," He's upset.

"Yeah because I'm dying!"

"You're not dying! Don't say that," He turns away, I made him cry.

"I'm sorry, Jude, I didn't mean it," I sigh, "I just mean that I'm only acting this way because I'm sick, I promise I'm not going to hurt myself again, I swear," I hold his hand. I can't believe that, even for a split second, I wanted to leave my family. I hate seeing Jude like this.

"I know what you meant, it's okay," I need to stop getting so wound up and show them all that I'm okay, and I'm gonna get better, "You have to talk to moms, they think you're shutting them out and that's why they're so worried," He's right, I know he's right but I'm so mad at them for what they're putting Jesus through. He doesn't deserve this; I understand where they're coming from, but couldn't they just ground him or something? He's called a couple of times, and the rest of my family have been to see him, but I'm not allowed to leave the hospital. I try asking him if he's okay and he says he is, but he's lying. Group homes suck.

"Hi, G," Sophia comes into my room and runs over to hug me, "How are you?"

"S, I've missed you so much," I tell her, "Why haven't you come visited me lately?" I ignore her question.

"I've had a lot of school stuff going on," She doesn't seem like herself, "It's been crazy," It's like she's hiding something from me.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah," She sniffles, "Why wouldn't I be?" She's fighting back tears.

"Sophia," I put my arm around her, "What is it?"

"It's fine," I look at her, "Okay, it's not fine, but you can't freak out okay?" I nod, even though I'm already freaking out inside, "I'm leaving,"

"What do you mean? Where?" I take a second to process her words.

"I got accepted into that school I told you about, someone dropped out and I start next week," Sophia applied for St. Margaret's last semester, but she didn't get in, it's a boarding school.

"Next week?" I ask, "But-"

"I'm sorry, G, I don't have to go,"

"No, don't be stupid, you have to go," I'm crying but I have a smile on my face, I'm happy for her but of course it hurts, "You've dreamt of going there for years," She bursts into tears and hugs me, she cries into my shoulder, "Hey, it's okay, you're going to love it, and I'll be fine, when I'm better I can come visit you and you can show me around,"

"But I can't leave you like this," She sobs.

"Yes you can," I take her by the shoulders, "Look at me, I'm fine, okay? And I'll see you again soon," I promise her, "I love you, S,"

"Love you too, G,"


	16. Chapter 16

Seconds after Sophia leaves, mom comes into my room, I turn away from her and bury myself in my book.

"Gracie?" I ignore her, "Love," She takes my book away from me.

"What?" I mumble.

"Holly wants to get you ready for chemo," She says.

"Fine, can I have my book back?" She reluctantly hands it back to me and leaves as Holly comes in. I know I'm being cruel, but I can't help it. I'm mad, I'm tired and I feel like death, and to top it all off I'm not allowed a second to myself. I let access my port and start my chemo. She doesn't try to get me to talk to her, she doesn't ask stupid questions, she stays silent until my chemo is all set up. Then mom comes back in.

"Gracie," I ignore her again, "Hey!" She yells at me, "I've had it with this, talk to me,"

"I don't want to talk to you, or anyone, I just want to be left alone!" She sits down and buries her face in her hands, "But you won't let me because you think I'm going to kill myself!" I cough the last few words out.

"Love," Mom's crying, but she comes to my side and hands me a cup of water.

"I'm sorry mom, I didn't mean it like that, I just feel so trapped, I can't go to school, I can't go home, I can't see my girlfriend because she's sick, I can't even leave this room, Sophia's leaving me," I cough harder, it feels like my throat is ripping apart, "And to top it all off you and mama are probably gonna have to sell the house to pay for all my treatment and now Jesus' legal bills,"

"It won't come to that," Mom rubs my back while I begin to puke, "We're gonna figure out, love, we always do," She's still crying, and now so am I. But somehow, I feel a little better after letting it all out.

"I'm really sorry, mom, and don't tell me to stop apologising, I need to,"

"Okay baby, it's okay," She gets into my bed with me and pulls my head onto her chest and we just sit, crying together.

"We're so dramatic," A couple of hours later, mom and I sit and watch a movie together. Back before I got sick, whenever me and mom would fight, we would diffuse the situation by making fun of ourselves.

"Yeah, can you believe we cried over something so silly?" We always joke that our real problems are something so minuscule, we pretend that nothing in the world could bother us. We laugh together, "Mom?"

"Yeah, sweetie," She barely looks away from the screen while she munches on her popcorn.

"You haven't been at work much the past couple of days,"

"Yeah, with everything going on I thought it was best to just take a couple of days off, but don't worry, I'm going back in tomorrow," I look at her, "Gracie, don't get yourself wound up about the money again, it's fine,"

"Promise?"

"I promise," She kisses my cheek, "Alright, bedtime," She gets up, "Don't give me that look Gracie, it's getting late," She puts her hands out, "Laptop," She says.

"You should go to bed too, at home," I hand it to her, "I'll be fine on my own tonight,"

"Don't be silly, love,"

"Mom you have work tomorrow, you can even get Holly to come and check on me every half hour, I could just do with some alone time," She looks like she's considering it, "Please mom, nothing's going to happen, I'm not going to do anything except read my book and sleep, I swear," She chews her lip.

"Okay, fine, but you have someone call me if anything happens, okay?"

I can't describe how nice it is to finally be on my own. I feel like I can breathe again, of course, that could just be because I'm getting more oxygen through my cannula now. Holly comes to do my vitals and check I'm okay every hour, but I barely notice she's there. Except when I have to press my call button. I thought the chemo side effects were getting a little better, but I suddenly feel worse than all the other rounds I've had. I almost regret sending mom home. Holly has to sit behind me and hold me up while I vomit, that's how weak I am. It hurts to even hold my arms up at this point. She tucks the few strands of hair I have left into my hat and rubs my back until it finally stops, it must have lasted at least an hour.

"Do you want me to call your moms?" She asks as she tucks me into bed.

"No, I'll be fine," I shift around trying to get comfortable, "Is it going to get worse?"

"Yeah," She says frankly, "It's going to suck, but you're gonna feel so amazing when all of this is over with," She smiles, "Can I get you anything else before I hand you over to the night nurse?" She asks.

"No, thank you," I squeeze her hand, "Goodnight," I pull my phone out and facetime with Taylor.

"Hey babe, how are you feeling?" It's so nice to hear her voice.

"I've been better, but I've been worse, I miss you,"

"I miss you too," She coughs.

"Still sick?"

"Yeah, sorry, I swear the second I can breathe through my nose again I'll be right by your side," She blows her nose.

"If Holly lets you, she didn't let Jude in here the other day because he sneezed," We laugh.

"How are things with your moms?"

"Pretty good, mom and I had a good cry together earlier and talked everything out, she's gone home for the night and she's gonna talk to mama about giving me more space, it's weird though, not having either of them here,"

"Are you lonely?"

"No, it's not that, it's nice to have some alone time it's just different without them here doing every little thing for me," I sigh.

"Then what's wrong?"

"The chemo side effects are going to get a lot worse, and when I have my next cycle I'll need constant care, I just don't want to feel completely useless, and I feel like an asshole for complaining about having people here to take care of me while Jesus is in that home,"

"Gracie, take a breath," I follow her advice, "Jesus is fine,"

"You don't know that! Everyone keeps saying that, even he does but I know how bad those places are, and yeah I get why moms and the judge think he should be there, but it just really sucks,"

"You're spiralling, calm down, Gracie," If she were here next to me, I know her touch would calm me down instantly.

"I have to go," I hang up on her and hang my head over and puke all over the floor, this is what happens when I get the slightest bit worked up. Holly's going to end up telling my moms how sick I was tonight, and I'll never be left alone again. My head is all over the place, I can't tell if I like the quiet or if I want my family here. What I do know is I can't wait for all of this to be over.

Hey guys, so I'm not really certain where I want this story to go, so if you have any ideas please let me know, I want your input since it's you I'm writing this for. Private Message me or leave it in a review, thanks.


	17. Chapter 17

"Good news, baby," Mama wakes me up, "You can come home," She's grinning from ear to ear.

"Seriously?" I sit up, "Doctor Simons cleared me?" Mama nods and wraps her arms around me. A couple of weeks ago, the chemo made me too weak to move, but slowly I've been getting stronger. I have two weeks until my next cycle starts, so I get to enjoy being almost normal until then.

"Mom's pulling the car up out front. "Does that mean I can come to see Jesus on his home's family day?" It's next week.

"Well, we'll have to see how you're feeling, but hopefully," She brings over the wheelchair I've been using to get around the hospital and helps me into it. I can't believe it. I get to go home.

"Is Holly here? I want to say goodbye," Mama rolls me down the halls, "Or see you later, I guess,"

"It's her day off, I've left a bunch of flowers at the nurse's station for her, from all of us,"

"Hey, Gracie," Taylor's waiting at mama's car for us, holding a box of chocolates, "Miss me?"

"Oh my God!" I haven't seen Taylor in weeks because she's had the horrible chest infection, I wasn't allowed to be in the same room as her, "You didn't tell me you were better!" She takes my hands and I stand up and hug her tight, I want to kiss her but mama's standing right there and I'm not a huge fan of PDA.

"Okay, girls, Gracie, hop in, Taylor can you give me a hand getting the chair into the trunk please?" I have to use the wheelchair if I want to go out anywhere, which I doubt moms will let me do, I'm not even sure I'd want to go out in it, I don't want people staring at me like I'm a sad puppy.

As we pull up to the house, I see a huge banner strewn across the front porch with the words 'Welcome Home!' on it, as well as a bunch of balloons tied to the railings.

"Oh, god," I giggle, "Was this you too?" I turn to Taylor.

"I don't do things by halves, come on," She takes my hand and leads me inside, mama behind us, where my family are standing in the entryway. They all immediately start hugging me and fussing over me, exclaiming home good it is to have me home, I feel so loved, but it's all a little overwhelming.

"You're probably tired, come on, I'll take you to your bed," Taylor says, saving me.

"Thank you, I felt suffocated," She holds my hand as I lay back on my bed, "It's so good to see you and touch you again," I pull her hand onto my face.

"I've missed this," She lays back next to me, not moving her hand, she pulls the comforter up over us, "Just being next to you," She kisses my cheek.

"Me too," I roll onto my side to face her and rest my hand on her waist, she does the same, I kiss her, hard. She starts to put her hand up my shirt, "Wait," I get out of the bed.

"I'm sorry, is that too much?" I walk over to shut the door and I get back in the bed with her.

"Not at all," I kiss her again, and she picks up where she left off.

"I had a great night," Taylors fingers trace over my collar bone, as we stand on the porch.

"Really? Are you sure? I'm sorry that I didn't-,"

"Gracie, it's okay, I'll see you tomorrow?"

I smile, "See you," I give her a kiss goodnight. It was a great night. As soon as I close the door, I go into the living room where my family are sat, I ignore everyone and head right over to Callie and Mariana, I take their hands and yank them off of the couch and I pull them upstairs into our room.

"Gracie, what is it?" Callie asks, they look confused.

"Did you and Taylor fight? Did you break up?" Mariana questions me.

"No, uh," I hesitate, "Kind of the opposite, I guess," Mariana gasps and starts squealing and jumping up and down, "Calm down! I don't want moms to hear!"

"Wait so you had sex?" Callie asks. Callie's always been very blunt and to the point, but it makes me blush.

"Oh my God, this is so exciting!" Mariana tries to contain herself, but her enthusiasm is catching.

"I know! I can't believe it!"

"Mariana! Our baby sister just lost her virginity, this is not something to get excited about!" Here comes 'Conservative Callie'.

"Oh, come on, Callie, she's 16,"

"Yeah, I'm practically an adult,"

"Well, you are now," Mariana says, "So what was it like? Was it good? Were you nervous? Was she? Tell me everything!"

"Aren't you happy for me? I lost my virginity to the girl I love, it felt right, and I don't have any regrets, I need to talk to my sisters about this, I mean how old were you when you had sex for the first time?"

"Okay, fair enough, so go on, tell us all about it," She finally caves in.

"Okay, so it was good, like really good, I mean Taylor's got skills- "

"Too much information," Callie stops me.

"Sorry, okay so she did her… thing, you know like with her hand and then I did and then she did the thing with, you know her, whatever," I smile, trying to spare Callie of the details, "And yeah like I said, wow, but then it was my turn, for the, whatever,"

"And?" Mariana wants the details.

"I couldn't do it! I don't know, I got freaked out," Callie and Mariana cringe, "I know, I know, God, am I a terrible person?"

"No, not at all, just because you were ready for the other stuff doesn't mean you have to be ready for everything, and if Taylor's mad at you for that then honestly, then that's a problem," Callie says.

"She wasn't mad, actually she was pretty great about it, we just kind of moved on and then afterwards I told her I was sorry, and she didn't mind at all,"

"See it's fine! You decide when you're ready," Callie tells me.

"Okay good," I think for a moment, "It was so good!"

"Details!" Mariana says.

"My work here is done, I'm out," Callie leaves us, and I tell Mariana everything.

I texted Sophia and told her too, she was almost as excited as Mariana was. She's all settled in at her new school now, it's weird not having her around anymore, but we still talk all the time and I'm so happy for her.

My treatment is going well, my relationships are great, the only problem is Jesus. He's always in the back of my mind, I just hate the thought of him being in that horrible place with no family or friends around him. It's enough to drive you up the wall. But hopefully, I can go to family day with everyone tomorrow and see him, make sure he's not too messed up, and then after this weekend, he'll be coming home. Moms said that he would only have to stay in there for the duration of his community service, 2 weeks, which means Sunday night is his final night.

"Gracie, do you need anything?" Moms come into our room to say goodnight.

"No, I'm all good, just kind of tired," I blow out the candle on my nightstand.

"It's so good to have you home," Mama sits on my bed as mom takes my hand and kisses my head.

"Yeah it feels good, I've missed everything so much," I take a second to appreciate being in my own bed for a change, "When I go back for chemo, do I have to stay in the hospital?" I ask.

"We don't know, hopefully not, but it depends on how sick you get this time," Mom says.

"Goodnight sweetie," Mama kisses me.

"Night moms," I switch my lamp off drift off to sleep pretty quickly, I'm exhausted after my night with Taylor.


	18. Chapter 18

"Okay, everyone on your best behaviour today," Mom says in the car, we're on our way to see Jesus, Brandon is home for the weekend too, "Be respectful, clean up after yourselves, okay?" We all groan in agreement.

We pull up outside this big grey house, it looks dull and cold, and somewhat familiar, there's graffiti on the side of the building and the grass is overgrown almost as tall as me. One of the windows is boarded up, I'm guessing one of the boys who live here smashed it.

"You ready guys?" Mama says, everyone starts to get out of the car, but I'm frozen.

"Gracie?" Callie stops and stands by the door, waiting, as the rest of the family make their way up to the front door, "Getting flashbacks?" I nod. A house like this, it reminds me of countless group homes, that's bad enough, but what's worse, it reminds me of John's house.

"I don't think I can move," I say, my eyes fixed on the walls of this prison-like home.

"I got you," Callie takes my hand, pulling me back into reality, "I'm right here," She smiles at me, a smile that tells me I can do this. For Jesus. I slowly get out of the car, one leg at a time. Right now, I wish I hadn't fought so hard to leave the wheelchair at home, my legs are like jelly. I cling to Callie like she's a life vest, and I'm going under. It's like I blink and we're in the foyer

"Gracie," I turn to my right, and there's my brother, "How are you?" He hugs me, and I feel Callie's hand slip away from mine, but it's okay because I have my brother back.

"Can we talk?" I ask him.

"Yeah, let's go to the backyard," He guides me through the bustling house full of friends and family of the kids that live here, we sit down on a bench.

"Are you okay?" I hadn't even noticed that I'd started crying, "Do they hurt you? God, Jesus' I'm so sorry,"

"Hey," He puts an arm around my shoulders, "Of course I'm okay, I'll always be okay,"

"You are? Seriously?"

"Yeah, it's not that bad here, the guys I live with are pretty cool, the care workers actually care about us, there's nothing to worry about," Had I really made all of this up in my head? I've been stressing about him getting hurt, losing his mind, being starved, all this time he's been okay, even… enjoying it, "I mean it's been hard, yeah, but I've learned a lot since being here, a lot about myself, why I am the way I am, and how I can be a better person, but listen, Grace, are you okay?"

"I'm fine, I'm home, chemo's done until the end of next week," I hadn't realised just how much I relied on Jesus after Freddie died, I needed a brother and I had one, yeah I have Jude, but it's not the same as a big brother. I think that after what happened to Freddie, not being able to make sure Jesus was okay really messed me up. I can't believe I didn't realise it sooner.

Jesus and some of the boys in his group home have been building a huge garden shed in the backyard, something about working with your hands is supposed to be therapeutic.

"This is amazing," Mom says, "I'm so proud of you," She hugs him.

"Yeah, coming out here and working has been pretty fun, and the guys are like my brothers now," He seems different, in a good way, it's like all the best parts of Jesus have come out and he's so much more confident now.

"Hey look," I point to a little carving on one of the wood panels of the door.

"Jesus was here," Mariana reads it out, "You just have to leave your mark everywhere you go,"

"You're like a territorial dog," Jude says. We all laugh. It feels so good to be with the whole family again, I can't wait until Jesus is home, and I'm not sick anymore and everything can finally go back to the way it was.

"I'll pick you up on Monday morning to take you to school," Mama says, Jesus has been homeschooled since being in the home.

"What I don't get the day off?" He jokes.

"Nice try, we'll see you soon sweetie," We all say our goodbyes and Jesus sees us out.

"See I told you he'd be fine," Taylor's over again, we're sitting out on the back deck.

"I know, I can't believe how worked up I got over everything, he'll be home soon anyway," I say. Taylor's been acting weird all morning, she's quieter than usual, "Are you okay?" I ask her.

"Me? I'm fine, how are you feeling? Can I get you something?" She avoids the question.

"Taylor," I place my hand on hers, "You're shaking," She looks me right in the eyes, and she tears up, "What is it? You can talk to me," Since being sick we never talk about her stuff anymore.

"I have to tell you something," She pulls away from me, "You're going to hate me," My heart pounds, what is this? Did she meet someone else? Is this a breakup?

"Just tell me," I beg her.

"I got a letter this morning," She tugs on the sleeves of her sweater, "From that competition I entered in the summer," She built a robot to get a scholarship and this fancy science school.

"The robotics programme? You won?" She nods, "Taylor that's amazing," I go to hug her, but she stops me.

"Wait, stop," She's shaking even harder, the tears are streaming down her cheeks, "The school is in New York," My heart stops for a second.

"New York,"

"I don't have to go, not if you don't want me to," She takes my hands, "I want to be with you," She's a wreck.

"No, you're going, of course, you're going," First my best friend leaves and now my girlfriend's leaving too.

"But it's so far away, the time difference, the workload, when will we talk?" I have to make a hard decision now, one that will hurt us both, but it's for her own good. She needs to do this, and she needs to be 100% committed.

"We won't," I tell her, "This is a huge opportunity, this will fast track your career, this is your dream, Taylor, I can't stand in the way of that," I wipe away her tears, "You have to do this," She doesn't argue, she doesn't get mad, she knows this is what's best for her.

"But we just-,"

"I know, and it was amazing, and who knows, after school and college, when I'm not sick and you're working for NASA or something, we'll meet again and get to do all of this again, I'm glad my first time was with you, I'll never have any regrets when it comes to you, I love you,"

"I love you too," She wraps her arms around me, crying into my shoulder, I have to hold my tears in, or she'll end up staying.

"When do you leave?" I stroke her face.

"Tomorrow night," My stomach drops, "My flight is at nine,"

"Wow, that's so soon," She looks at me, she feels awful, I can tell, "You're going to kill it, they won't know what hit them, let's make the most of the time we have," I kiss her, she knows what I'm talking about.

"Really? You still want to?"

"We're home alone, what better time?" I take her hand and lead her inside, up to my bedroom.

"Wow," Taylor says, "Nice,"

"Nice? Is that all I get?" I tease her as I twirl her hair in my fingers, we lay together in ned.

"I mean, wow," She's a little out of breath I still, "I should get dressed, I need to pack," Reality hits us again, this is probably the last time I'll see her, until summer at least.

"Have you told Jude?" I ask as she rushes to gather all of her things.

"Not yet, I'm meeting up with him this evening, we usually game on Saturdays but since you got sick, we kind of neglected each other, so we're going for burgers later," I start to get up and get dressed too. And I walk her downstairs to the front porch.

"So, I won't see you now," She says, she's about to cry again, and I can't help but burst into tears too, I kiss her.

"I love you; I don't know if I'll ever stop loving you," I hold her close, reluctant to let go.

"Tell me to stay," She says, she's panicking, "Tell me to stay and I will," She squeezes my hands.

"Taylor,"

"I don't want this to end,"

"You know you can't stay, not for me," It hurts, I could change my mind right now, tell her to stay, but she'd end up resenting me, and that would hurt so much more than this.

"But I love you," I kiss her again, one final time.

"You have to go, follow your dream," I can't tell her I love her again, that would be too cruel, she needs to go her own way now. We can't be. She takes a few steps back from me, still grasping onto my hand until she's down the steps and she finally let's go. She takes a second to look back at me before she gets into her mom's car. I have to go back inside; I can't watch her drive away from my house for the last time.

"I love you," I say quietly as I close the door on the best thing I ever had.

**Hey guys, I hope you're enjoying the sequel so far, thanks for all the feedback. I still haven't managed to come up with a good title for this part of the story, if you have any suggestions, let me know in the review. Also, I'd love to know a bit more about what you guys like in stories like this, I want to make sure I'm giving you the best work that I can. I know chapter uploads have been few and far between but otherwise, I would only be putting out half-assed chapters, and I'm not about that life. Thanks guys :)**


	19. Chapter 19

"So, it's just over? Just like that?" Mariana asks. Callie's sat in bed with me, I haven't stopped crying since Taylor and I said goodbye.

"Yep," I sniffle, "I need ice cream," I whimper.

"I got you," Jude comes in with a grocery bag, "Birthday Cake, Cookies and Crème and good old-fashioned Vanilla," He pulls them out one by one and hands me a spoon, "Take your pick," I reach for Birthday Cake, Taylor's favourite. My brother and sisters dig into the other two tubs.

"Woah, who died?" Jesus comes in, I totally forgot he was home today.

"Gracie's relationship," Jude says, Callie and Mariana throw cushions at him and I burst into tears again. Jesus comes over to my side and hugs me, kissing me on my head.

"Come on Jude, they need girl time," The boys leave. Today is supposed to be all about Jesus, but here I am crying over my love-life.

"There'll be other girls," Mariana says.

"Mariana," Callie says, "Not now,"

"It's not just Taylor, Sophia's gone too," I sob, "I don't have anyone my own age to hang out with except for my brother and his boyfriend," Callie and Mariana don't really know what to say, so we all just stuff our faces with ice cream.

"Come on, Jesus is home, Brandon's visiting, we're all home at the same time for the first time in months, let's go make the boys watch a chick flick with us," Mariana says, my sisters drag me downstairs, I refuse to let go of my ice cream and my comforter.

"I hate chick flicks, they're all about stupid straight couples,"

"Preach," Moms and Jude all say.

"No offence," I say to my straight siblings.

"Okay fine, we'll watch something else," Callie hands me the remote, I just look at it.

"Jesus, you pick," The family moan at me, Jesus always picks stupid action movies with zero storylines and characters with no personality. But to our surprise, he chooses Toy Story 3.

"This is the first movie I watched when I started living here," I say.

"I know, it's one of your favourites," He says. I start crying again, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you cry,"

"It's fine," I whimper my words out, "Just press play," I sit down between my moms on the couch, they wrap themselves around me, and splay my comforter across the three of us. I try to cry as quietly as I can, it doesn't matter though because by the end of the movie all of us are crying as the toys all hold hands in the furnace, even Brandon and Jesus.

"God, what a bunch of babies," Jesus says, trying to act like he wasn't just wiping the tears from his cheeks, "Who wants dinner?" His voice cracks, causing all of us to burst out laughing.

Even though this breakup hurts, like a lot, it's still nice to just chill with my family and cry together, laugh together, now that Jesus is home things will slowly start to go back to normal.

"How are you feeling sweetie?" I go into moms room before bed to talk with them, I haven't really opened up to them about the breakup yet.

"Not good," I start to cry a little, the make space between them and I get into bed with them and let them comfort me, "It hurts,"

"I know, love," Mom adjusts my beanie, "But you'll be okay,"

"Taylor wasn't just my girlfriend though, after Sophia left, she was my only friend, I know have you guys and all the others, but I don't have any actual friends, I just feel so alone," I confess, I've sort of felt like this for a while, before Taylor left, even before Sophia left.

"Mama and I have been thinking about that actually," Mom says.

"You have?"

"There's a support group, at the hospital," Mama hands me a pamphlet from her nightstand.

"For cancer kids?"

"Don't say no yet, just try it,"

"I wasn't going to say no," Normally I would outright refuse this kind of thing, but it seems pretty perfect for me. The support group that Sophia and I used to go to was kind of helpful, I stopped going there because I had a councillor, and then things got really good and I didn't need to go anymore. But this sounds like a good idea, it might be just what I need, "When do I start?"

Thursday morning rolls around pretty quickly, Jesus is back at Anchor Beach, doing really well, Brandon is back at college, Callie's still here though, she barely does any of her college work, she just wants to be here for me. But today's the first support group meeting at the hospital, and to be honest it couldn't have come at a better time. I start chemo again tomorrow and I'm terrified, not of the actual chemo, that part I can handle, but the part the comes after. Nausea, the exhaustion, more hair loss. I'm almost completely bald as it is, now I'll probably have to say goodbye to my remaining few strands.

"I'll pick you up in an hour," Callie drops me off at the hospital, and Nurse Holly meets me outside.

"I'm so glad you decided to do this, I think it'll be really good for you,"

"I hope so," She walks me to the rec room, "Thanks Holly," I hug her before I go in.

The meeting hasn't started yet, so far there are about 10 other kids here, sitting around and chatting, I take a the seat between a girl and the woman who runs the group.

"Okay, looks like everyone's here, we ready to start?" The woman says. Everyone quiets down, "I'm Lisa, the councillor here, who wants to share first? How about our new girl?" She looks at me.

"Uh, okay," I shift awkwardly, "I'm Gracie, I have Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma, I've done a little bit of chemo, I start the next cycle tomorrow and then after a couple of rounds of that, I'm hoping for surgery to remove the remaining tumours from my chest. They're sort of everywhere," I gesture across my torso, "And if they can't get them all, maybe more chemo or radiation therapy, I'm scared but, I have a huge family, well, adopted family, and they've been great," The kids all look at me, no one looks shocked, no one is pitying me, they all look like this is normal, I guess for them it is.

"Thanks, Gracie, a few kids here have Non-Hodgkin's, right guys?" She says, a few of the other kids nod along, and then the girl next to me speaks up.

"You'll be okay, it sounds like you have a great family," She smiles at me, "I'm Katie," She shakes my hand.

"Thank you, Katie, why don't you tell us about why you're here,"

"Okay, well, as I said, I'm Katie and I have Leukaemia, I've had it most of my life, and right now I'm doing better than I've done in a long, long time, my hair is growing back," She tilts her wig back to show her short dark brown hair, I didn't even realise it was a wig, "I'm almost done with chemo too, I start my last cycle, knock on wood," She knocks her chair, "Tomorrow, I'm kind of nervous too," She smiles at me, "But at least now I'll have a friend there, I hope," I smile back at her, who knew making friends was this easy?

"Does anyone else have chemo tomorrow?" Lisa asks the group, another girl raises her hand, "Looks like you two have more friends than you think, we all smile at each other, maybe this cycle won't be so bad after all.

"How did you guys find that?" The girl who raised her hand approaches me and Katie at the end of the session.

"Yeah it was good, I was reluctant to come, but I'm glad I did," Katie says.

"What was your name?" I ask the girl.

"Daisy," She shakes our hands, "Osteo Sarcoma of the right leg,"

"So, we all have chemo tomorrow," Katie says, "I'll bring the trashy magazines?" She asks.

"I'll bring the snacks, I guess,"

"What does that leave me with?" Daisy laughs.

"You mentioned a boyfriend, in the session?" I say, "You bring the gossip," I smile, these girls seem nice, nothing like the narcissistic bitchy girls in my grade at Anchor Beach. I think I've finally made some friends, "Anyway, I should go, my sister is picking me up,"

"Okay, well, see you tomorrow," Katie says.

"How was group?" I get into the car with Callie.

"It was good, I think I might have made some friends, we're meeting tomorrow for chemo," I tell her.

"Well you look happy," It's probably a bit of shock to see me smiling, I've been an emotional wreck since Taylor left, "I can give you a ride tomorrow as well if you want," She pulls out of the hospital parking lot.

"Callie, I appreciate you being here for me and everything, but don't you have to get back to school?"

"It's cool, I can do my work from home for a little while, I don't mind,"

"But you're never doing your work, you're either with me at home or the hospital or you're hanging out with AJ or Ximena or the GU girls, what's going on with you?"

"Okay, if I tell you, you have to promise not to tell moms," She turns the radio off, "I dropped out of USCD," She clenches her teeth.


	20. Chapter 20

"What? Callie! That's so dumb, why would you do that, I thought you wanted to be a lawyer!" I yell at her.

"Jeez mom, calm down," She brushes me off.

"Callie this is a huge deal, what- why?" I probe her, but she remains silent, "It's not because of me, because I'm sick, Callie I'm going to be fine, you're wasting your time being here with me when you could be studying for law school,"

"It's not just that, I hate being away from home, I don't have any friends there, I miss the family, okay?"

"You didn't have to drop out," I tell her, "You could have transferred closer to home, or deferred for a year,"

"I got in on a scholarship, I can't defer, and the only college with the same major as mine is a San Diego community college,"

"So?" She's driving me crazy right now.

"Callie, do you know how many foster kids would kill to be able to go to college? And you're just throwing it away based on pride?"

"Right," She didn't consider that at all, "What have I done?"

"Don't freak out, okay, how much have you missed?"

"Like, seven months, there's no way I'd be able to catch up with my class if I started at SDCC now, shit I've screwed everything up," She not wrong.

"Okay, here's what we're gonna do, you're going to get a job, like an internship or something at a local law firm, you're going to learn what you can and then you're going to apply for SDCC for the fall, and you're going to get in, you're going to kill it and then you're going to law school,"

"What about moms? I have to tell them," She's freaking out.

"Yeah you do, and they're gonna be mad, for like a week, but then you'll tell them the plan, and they'll get over it and they'll support you, okay?"

"When did you become the big sister?" She says to me.

"When my big sister decided to go rogue!" I playfully punch her arm. And faster than I'm sure Callie wanted, we're home, in about 15 minutes, moms will arrive home from work it'll be time for dinner and after that, Callie will have to tell moms the truth, so it's my job to get my brothers and sister out of the way.

"Okay dinner was awesome, thanks moms, Jude, Jesus, Mariana, I have to show you something upstairs right now," Subtlety is not my strong suit.

"But I haven't had dessert yet," Jesus says.

"Now," I shove him off of his seat and make them all go upstairs, I usher them into my room.

"What's going on?" Jude asks.

"Callie has to tell moms something, and I promised her I'd make sure they had no interruptions," I shut the door behind us, "She dropped out of college," All of their mouths fall open, "Like seven months ago," They're all speechless, it's so unlike Callie to do something so reckless, "I know," I sit down on my bed. I hadn't realised just how sick I've felt today. I'm exhausted now.

"Wait, Gracie, are you okay?" Jesus asks.

"Oh, crap," I feel the little trickle in my nose again and I instantly know that it's about to start spewing blood. I grab the box of tissues next to me.

"Oh my God," Mariana covers her mouth, Callie's the only one of my siblings who've seen how bad nose bleeds get, they're in for a shock.

"Okay," I say breathlessly, "I'm probably going to pass out any second now, so you should call an ambulance, get my downstairs, tell moms, and-," I pause, "And then-," I pass out mid-sentence.

Back in the hospital, again. Low platelets.

"There she is," Mama's with me, "Feeling okay?"

"Better, now, I didn't realise it was coming on, otherwise I would have said something," I feel bad, Callie needed moms, and I had to get myself hospitalised again.

"I know," She hands me my water.

"Did Callie talk to you guys? Are you mad?"

"No, we're not mad, a little shocked, confused, but not mad,"

"I was mad," I laugh, "Anyway, is Mariana okay? I think I really freaked her out,"

"She's fine, shaken up, but Callie's with her and the boys at home, mom will be here any second," Mama holds my hand. Every time something happens, they get more and more anxious, right on cue, mom arrives with some of my stuff packed up.

"Hey, love," She kisses me, "All good now?" She asks.

"All good," I sit up. Platelet infusions are probably one of the better parts of having cancer, after an infusion, I feel invincible.

"So, how was your support group? We didn't get to talk about it much at dinner," Mama asks.

"It was good, like really good, I met these two girls, Katie and Daisy, and we're gonna meet up for chemo tomorrow," I smile, maybe having actual friends will help me move on from Taylor a little faster, "They're super nice,"

"Good, sweetie, I can't wait to meet them," Mom says.

"Well actually, since I have friends now, I was thinking I could go to chemo alone, I mean, I'm going to be doing it twice a week for the next month, so I should probably get used to going without you guys, that way you can go back to work, and I can stay here with them," Moms look at each other, "It's not about the money if that's what you're thinking, I know you guys will handle that, I just want the whole family to have a normal life, well, as normal as possible,"

"I don't see a problem with that," Mama says, she's not the one I'm worried about convincing.

"Mom?" She looks reluctant, "Come on, you trusted me here alone overnight before, it's just chemo,"

"Fine, we'll try it out," That's the best I could've asked for from mom.

"Hey, Gracie, platelets all in?" Holly comes in and checks my infusion bag, it's empty, "Looks like you're good to go,"

"Until I'm back for chemo tomorrow, but thanks," I hug her and let moms help me into my wheelchair.

"Now, you call one me or mama or one of the other kids if anything happens okay?" Mom drives me to the hospital the next day.

"Yes mom, I promise,"

"Do you want me to come and sign you in?" She's babying me again.

"Mom, I'm a big girl," I tell her, "I'll be fine, it's 2 hours of chemo and then before you know it, you'll be picking me up to take me home again, stop stressing," I laugh at her.

"Me? Stressing? No way," She says sarcastically, "Okay, off you go then," She kisses me on the cheek and finally sets me free.

I'm a little early because mom can't stand being late, but I head on in anyway, get my port accessed by Nurse Holly and she takes me to one of the seats by the window, she knows I like it there. The first one to show up is Katie, she comes and sits right next to me and a nurse comes and sets up her chemo for her.

"Hey, how's it going?" She asks.

"Pretty good, you know, for chemo, I got the snacks," I point down to the bag next to me, full to the brim with candy and chips, as well as some fruit that mama forced me to take.

"I forgot the magazines," She says, "But if we're going to be friends you should probably know I'm kind of unreliable," She jokes.

"Hey," Daisy arrives and sits on the other side of me, "What'd I miss?"

"Katie is unreliable," I tell her.

"Well that's okay, cuz I'm very reliable," Daisy says. I feel kind of nervous, hanging out with new people, I'm probably going to have to talk about myself a lot, which means telling my story. I'm not looking forward to that.

"So, where do you guys go to school?" I ask, "Or do you even go to school anymore?"

"I went to Canyon Crest," Katie says, "But I stopped going last year when I got my diagnosis,"

"I go to Westview, I do a couple of classes a week when I'm not having chemo or doubled over the toilet," Daisy tells us, "I study at home a lot though, gotta keep my grades up, what about you, Gracie?" My turn to talk, yay.

"Uh, Anchor Beach, I stopped going a couple of months ago, and as much as I wanted to, my moms won't let me do any work at home, I'm supposed to rest," I tell the girls.

"Why would you want to do schoolwork?" Katie laughs at me. She's not going to get it, neither of them is, they don't get what it's like to grow up in the foster system, being certain you have no future. So when an opportunity comes your way, you take it, that's why I've always worked so hard at school.

"I don't know, I like it, I guess," Katie laughs again.

"Well, I like school too," Daisy says, "I wish I went to a good school like Canyon Crest," She tells Katie.

"No, you don't, seriously, it's mean girl central, and there is so much toxic masculinity in those halls that you could drown in it," She says.

"I bet you're one of those popular girls, the one that's nice to everyone, and everyone's nice to you," Daisy says.

"Are you kidding? I had no friends, like zero," Katie laughs at herself this time.

"Seriously?" I ask her, "But you're so nice, and pretty, who wouldn't want to be friends with you?" I don't get it. If I looked like her, I probably would have much better experiences in all of my schools.

"Nope, whether it was my clothes or my hair or whatever, the other kids always found a reason to pick on me, I was a loner,"

"Well," I put my hand on hers, and my other one on Daisy's, "Not anymore," I smile at them. They smile back at me.

"Well, I have plenty of friends, and my boyfriend," Daisy says, "But I could use more," She jokes, "No, but seriously, it's different, hanging out with people who get it, especially people my age, usually I just hang out with the old ladies, they taught me how to knit," She reaches into her bag and pulls out her knitting needles and a ball of yarn. Katie laughs again, "What? It's very therapeutic," She starts knitting, "Do you have many friends at school, Gracie?"

"Not really, I had my friend Sophia who went to a different school, but now she's at boarding school, I hang out with my brother and his boyfriend a lot, we're the same age so we're in the same grade,"

"Don't you feel like a third wheel?" Katie says.

"Well," I think about Taylor, "I always had my girlfriend, but she's moved away now too," I look down, I didn't want to get into this today, "But it's cool, we ended it, it's best for both of us," I have to stop myself from crying.

"I'm sorry, that sucks," Katie says, she holds my hand this time.

"Girlfriend, so you're gay?" I nod, "And so is your brother?" I nod again, "Are you guys twins? You said he's the same age as you," Daisy asks.

"No, um," More talk about me, "I'm adopted," Time to open up.


	21. Chapter 21

"Last year, I moved in with my family after being in the system since I was seven, so there's Jude, who's my age, Mariana and Jesus who are twins, the grade above me, and then Callie, Jude's biological sister, and Brandon who's my mom's biological son, they're both in college now," I debate whether or not to talk about Freddie.

"Wow, big family, that must be nice," Daisy says.

"Yeah," I smile to myself, "It is, I love them, sometimes I forget that any of us are adopted, it feels like we all grew up together, and my moms, Stef and Lena, they feel like my birth parents,"

"That's so cool," Katie says, "I personally hate my sister, she's always stealing my stuff," We look at her, "Okay, well I don't hate her, I love her, she's my sister, but you know what siblings are like,"

"I'm an only child," Daisy says, "I have a nanny, she's nice, I guess,"

"What about your parents?" I ask.

"It's just my dad, he's not around a lot, work," She's getting kind of sad.

"Even though you have cancer?" Katie says.

"Yep, when we got the diagnosis, he was on a business trip in Australia, he didn't even fly back, he sent me a care package though," She tries to justify it.

"At least you have us now, people who get it, we're going through it with you," Katie says, "I might not have been through what you guys have, with families and stuff, but I get what it's like to feel alone, and scared, we'll all get through this," She smiles, "Now, can we have some snacks, please?"

"It was actually really nice, we talked about school and our families and stuff, and cancer obviously, Daisy talked all about her boyfriend and school, she's like super smart, like smarter than Mariana, and Katie talked about all this activism and stuff she does, it's so cool,"

"That's great love, I'm so happy you're making friends," Mom says as we drive home, "Did you talk about Taylor at all," She asks, I had almost forgotten.

"Yeah, a little, but I didn't feel like droning on about it, I wanted to get to know them, they're really nice girls, I think you and mama would like them,"

"Good, I'm glad," She smiles, but something seems off. She's probably just stressed about the chemo making me sick again, it's going to be harder this time, my immune system is a lot weaker, and the nose bleeds are happening more often, we're getting better at dealing with them though.

"Hey, where's Callie?" I walk into my room to find Mariana studying.

"She's job hunting, how was chemo?" She makes some room on her bed for me to sit down.

"It was pretty good, it hasn't hit me yet, which is nice, but the girls are awesome, we connected so quickly," I've never really had actual friends before apart from Sophia, and I guess Jason, but do exes even count as friends?

"Aw, look who's finally got friends," She mocks me, "No, I'm really happy for you,"

"Thanks, Mariana," I go over to my bed and climb in, even though the chemo isn't making me feel sick yet, I'm exhausted, I need sleep. But I can't, I barely slept last night either, I just keep thinking about Taylor, did I make a mistake? Should I have told her to stay? I just feel like if I made her stay, we'd break up anyway, but it still hurts. Not being able to call her, hear her voice, have her tell me that everything's gonna be okay.

My starts buzzing, Katie's calling me.

"Hey," I answer.

"Hey, chemo hitting you yet?" She asks me.

"Nah, it's only the first round of this cycle, probably won't hit me until tomorrow, what about you?"

"A little," She goes quiet for a sec, "Uh, listen I wanted to ask you something," I go into the bathroom to get a little privacy from Mariana.

"Sure, go ahead," I say.

"So, I know you just got out of a relationship, but I was wondering if maybe," No way, "You wanted to go on a date?" She asks. "With me," I don't know what to say, "I mean it doesn't have to be anything crazy, just hanging out, maybe grab some food somewhere, I know this great little café downtown," Is this actually happening? "Or not, I get it,"

"Um," I say, "I don't know," I didn't even consider this happening, I didn't know she liked girls, the second I first saw her I thought she was gorgeous, but I'm not looking for something right now, I just wanted friends, "Can I think about it? And get back to you?" I catch a glimpse of myself in the bathroom mirror, my face is bright red.

"Yeah, uh yeah, of course, no pressure, or anything,"

"Okay, thanks," I pose it as a question, I'm just shocked, I don't know how to react,"

"Okay, call me, tomorrow, or whenever, bye," She hangs up, but I just stand there, with the phone still to my ear, staring at myself in the mirror.

"What?" I say to myself, putting the phone down on the counter. Katie wants to go out with me, if I say yes, it could be nice, but am I ready for it? If I say no, it could make things awkward between us at chemo, not to mention Daisy, would she feel like a third wheel if we became a couple? Okay, I'm getting ahead of myself, "Mariana," I come out of the bathroom, "I need your help,"

"Are you okay? Do you feel sick? Should I get moms?" She rushes over to me.

"Katie," I say still in shock, "Asked me out," I walk slowly over to my bed and sit down.

"Katie? Your friend from the group?" Mariana asks, "Like on a date?" She's just as shocked as I am, I nod, "Well, what did you say?" She gets excited, this is the stuff she likes to hear about, she probably hated hearing about my heartbreak over Taylor. Oh my God, Taylor. This would hurt her if she ever found out.

"I asked if I could think about it,"

"What did she say?"

"She said okay," I can't believe this, "I don't understand, I thought we were just friends, I mean we've only met twice, she didn't flirt with me or anything, I never even considered this being a remote possibility,"

"Well, say no," I look at her, "Just say you'd rather just keep being friends, and it'll be awkward at first, but she'll get over it," I don't say anything, "Unless, you want to go out with her?" She gets excited again.

"I don't know," I lay back in my bed, "I mean she's pretty, like super pretty, and she's so cool, I can't even believe she wanted to be friends with me, let alone date me, I'm so out of her league, why would she even like me?"

"Because you are super pretty, and cool and you're kind, smart, funny," She hypes me up, "If you want to see where it goes, then what's the harm?"

"What if I'm not ready? What if I dive into this and get my heart broken? Or I break her heart? What if it's a mistake?" I ask my sister.

"Sometimes you have to take the risk, do you know how many risks Mat and I took to be together, Emma and Jesus, Jude and Noah, even moms, the good stuff in life doesn't come from playing it safe,"

"When did you get so good at giving advice?" I sit up and hug her.

"Hey, I've always been great at giving advice," I laugh at her, "So, are you going to call her back?" She asks. It's decision time.


	22. Chapter 22

"Are you sure it's a good idea, Gracie?" Mama says, "You and Taylor just broke up, you're sick, is it the right time to be getting into a new relationship?"

"Woah, who said anything about a relationship, it's just one date," I say, "With a really sweet girl who likes me, even with my cancer, when is that ever going to happen again? I have to take a risk," I took Mariana's advice and I'm going to say yes to the date, now I just have to convince moms to let me out without supervision.

"I still don't think you should go," Mom says.

"What if you meet her first?" Moms have met my exes before any of us started dating, except for Rachel, but we don't count her as an ex anymore, we don't count her as anything. It's not ideal for me, and it'll be embarrassing, but I want to go out with her, so it has to be done.

"It's not just the dating thing, Gracie," Mom sits down at the kitchen table next to me, "I don't want you out alone, when you're so sick,"

"Mom, the chemo hasn't hit me yet, I feel better than I have in months, we're just going to a café downtown, you can drive us and pick us up, it'll be two hours, tops," I plead, "Please, moms, I'm begging," They look at each other.

"Let us talk about it," Mama says.

"Okay, okay," That's all I can ask of them, they've done so much for me, "Thank you," I pretend to go upstairs, but I linger outside the kitchen, I need to know what they're going to say.

"I don't want her to get hurt again," Mama says, "After losing her best friend and her girlfriend,"

"I know, me neither, we don't know how sick this Katie girl is, what if she's-,"

"Dying?" Mama says. Dying. There's no way, Katie's not even as sick as I am.

"Her brother died last year; her ex-girlfriend killed herself right in front of her, that put her in a mental health institution, I can't watch her go through that again," She's not dying, I want to run in there and set them straight, but I don't want them to know that I'm eavesdropping.

"And what if she gets an infection from this girl," Mama says, "We'd be putting her in danger," They're being so dumb, but I know they're only trying to protect me.

"She could get an infection from anywhere," Mom changes her tune, "Can we really keep holding her back from living her life?" Finally, a reasonable response.

"That's a good point," I sneak quietly upstairs, they're going to say yes, they have to.

"Hey, Gracie," I call Katie back, "I didn't think I'd hear from you so soon," She says.

"Yes," I say simply, "I'd love to go out with you," I say.

"Wait, what?" She says, "That's great, um, tomorrow good for you?" She asks.

"Yeah, take me to that café, my mom wants to drive us, you know how parents can be, cancer and all that,"

"Yeah, yeah totally, um, text me your address and I'll come to yours, say, two o'clock?"

"Sounds good, see you then," I hang up, I'm smiling from ear to ear, I can't believe I'm actually doing this.

Callie comes into our room; she flops down on her bed.

"I'm exhausted, there's not one paid internship available in this whole city," She says, "Why are you so smiley?"

"She has a date," Mariana says, "With her chemo buddy," She's smiling almost as much as I am.

"What?" Callie sits up, for a second I'm worried she's going to mad about this, she can be as protective as moms sometimes, "Oh my God, yay!" She surprises me, "Which one, Katie or Daisy?"

"Katie, anyway moms haven't exactly said yes yet, but I'm sure they will,"

"Gracie," Mom comes into our room, "It's a yes," Mariana and Callie squeal, but I know there's going to be a catch, "But for one hour, and you're staying here for the date," Staying here? Seriously?

"What? How are we supposed to have any privacy?" I ask.

"You can sit out on the back deck, no arguing on this, okay? You're lucky we're agreeing to this at all," She's got her stern face on.

"Okay, fine, thank you mom," I get up to hug her. I text Katie, giving her the address and the unfortunate news of our date relocation, and she seems fine with it. Everything is all planned out, except for one thing. What the hell am I going to wear?

"None of my clothes fit me right now, all I can wear are sweat pants and even they fall off of me," I say to my sisters, holding up my skirt around my waist, I've lost so much weight not to mention how pale I am, my makeup doesn't match my skin anymore. I kick off the stupid skirt and get back into my robe, I flop onto my bed and try not to start crying.

"Gracie," Callie comes and sits with me.

"It's not the clothes, I don't care about that, it's me, I'm not who I was, it just sucks,"

"Hey, you've changed a little yeah, but you're still you," She says.

"Yeah," Mariana joins us on my bed, "If anything you're more you, since getting sick, you've only gotten kinder and more understanding, and I'm not saying that it's good to be sick, it's just made you stronger," She says, seriously, when did she become an agony aunt?

"Mariana's right, you're a fighter, who cares about your outfit," I love my sisters, even though Callie is going through a crisis trying to find a job, and Mariana is deep into studying for the SATs, they're still here for me, no matter what.

"I love you guys," I hug them.

Mariana found me an old dress of hers, and it's a little baggy, but she puts a belt on me and it almost fits, I put one of my plaid shirts over the top, to make a little more me, and I kinda like how the outfit came together. Besides, we're only going to be in the backyard. Callie went to the drug store to find some concealer that's light enough for how pale I've become, she does my makeup for me, Mariana wanted to do it, but I don't think a smoky eye and red lip is appropriate for this kind of date. Jude and Jesus even went to the grocery store to get us some chemo-friendly snacks, crackers, fruit, that kind of thing. I'm feeling okay, but Katie mentioned on the phone that's already starting to hit her, so I want to make sure I have something she can eat, if she wants to that is. Moms agreed that they would meet Katie and then they would stay in their room for the rest of the date. So now all that's left to do is wait for her to show up.


	23. Chapter 23

"Hey," I open the door and Katie is stood there, "You look awesome," She's wearing jeans and a floral shirt, she even has a little bow tie on and she's not wearing her wig today, she has her short hair styled all neatly.

"Thank you, so do you," She hands me a bouquet of beautiful tulips, "For you,"

"Thanks,"

"This must be Katie," Mom says, as she and Mama emerge from the kitchen.

"Hi Katie," I turn around and all of my siblings are on the stairs, watching us, I shoot Callie a look and she swiftly ushers everyone back upstairs, out of our way.

"It's so nice to meet you both," Katie shakes both of their hands, "Thank you for having me over," She's so polite.

"No problem at all," Mama says.

"Come on, let's go outside," I take her hand and bring her through the kitchen out onto the deck, "Sorry about my family, they can be a little overbearing," I blush a little, we sit down on the bench.

"No, they're awesome," She says, "Your house is amazing, this backyard, wow," She looks around.

"Yeah, mama loves to garden, sometimes Jude and I help out,"

"It's beautiful," She looks at me, "So, uh, thanks for saying yes-," She blushes a little too, "To the date, I was super nervous to ask,"

"I'm glad you did, I had no idea you saw me that way, I didn't even know you liked girls like that,"

"I guess I've always known, and I came out last year, but it wasn't until I met you that I wanted to do anything about it, you know,"

"So, there wasn't anyone you had a crush on or anything?"

"There was a couple of girls at school, I thought they were pretty, but I never really had an actual crush on someone I knew in real life, you know?" I nod, "When did you come out?"

"I've kind of been out for most of my life, I mean there was no one to come out to when I was in the system, except for Sophia, but when I first got here I told my sisters and then eventually the rest of my family, I came out as gay, and then," I laugh, "There was a guy, and I liked him, we were together," She raises her eyebrows, "No, not like that, we were a couple, sort of, I had just gone through something and it made me all confused about it, and then there was this girl," I go back to the moment I first met Rachel, but I shake it off, I don't want to think about her, "And I ended it with the guy, and then there was Taylor,"

"The girl you just broke up with,"

"Right, but yeah, I've known my whole life pretty much, and I was pretty lucky that I got the family I did, they were awesome about it, I mean my moms are gay, and so is my brother, how did your family react?"

"Well, my mom and sister were amazing, my dad, on the other hand, he took a little longer to wrap his head around it, we didn't talk for weeks, but eventually, he got there, and now he's okay, he doesn't love how I dress and he still doesn't like to talk about it but it's better than no talking at all, but anyway, enough about all that, I've never been on a date, or anything, not even with a boy when I was in the closet, so you might have to bear with me a little," She laughs.

"You brought me flowers, you were polite to my moms, trust me you're doing just fine, and I like how you dress," I straighten her bowtie a little.

"Really? You don't think it's too much?" She gets nervous.

"Not at all," I take her hand. She's a little sweaty.

"Sorry, chemo," She laughs awkwardly.

"You really feeling it today?" I ask.

"Yeah, I didn't sleep last night, mostly because I was nervous about this, but, I always get a little bit of insomnia during chemo,"

"Really? I sleep all the time," I tell her, "My last cycle, I slept for like 3 days straight, I only woke up to pee," Oh my God, I'm talking about pee on a date, "Uh, let's change the subject again,"

"Okay," She smiles at me, "So, what made you say yes to this?" She asks. I didn't expect that question at all.

"Oh, well, I just figured, you're pretty, you make me laugh, and even though I'm newly single, why not seize the day, being sick has made me want to make the most of every second, plus, when I saw you for the first time, at group, I thought you were amazing, I brushed it off though, I was just thinking about making friends, the thought hadn't crossed my mind, and then when you asked me out, I was just kind of in shock,"

"Really? You seem so confident, you could have any girl you wanted, I just can't believe you actually said yes,"

"Me, confident?" I laugh, "Okay, I've been called a lot of things, but never confident," I must be pretty good at pretending not to be anxious. Plus, all of my meds for my mental health help me out a bunch, "You're the confident one, all that activism you do, it's amazing, and-," She cuts me off mid-sentence, with a kiss.

"Sorry," She says after she pulls away, still looking in my eyes, "I wanted to do that since the second I saw you," My breathing speeds up.

"No, don't apologize," I kiss her.

"Wow," She says, and she blushes again.

"Wait," I say, "Was that your first kiss?" I ask her.

"First and second, yeah," She nervously giggles, it's adorable, "How was it?"

"Hmm, I don't know, maybe you could kiss me again?" I lean into her, and put my hand on her cheek, "Go on," She kisses me, for real this time, a romantic, long kiss. She slides a little closer to me and puts her arms around my waist, my hand runs through her short brunette hair, making sure not to mess it up, "Not bad at all," I tell her, and I lean in again.

I hear the sound of someone clearing their throat, and we instantly pull away from each other, standing in the kitchen doorway is my mom.

"Time's up I'm afraid," She says, wow, were we really kissing for that long?

"Okay, uh, bye Gracie, we stand up, I go to hug her, but she extends a hand to me, and I shake it, "Thank you for having me over, Mrs Adams-Foster," She shakes mom's hand too, and quickly leaves. I cringe and bury my hands in my face.

"Oh my God, mom, seriously?" I'm so embarrassed, I run past her straight up to my room, "I can't believe that just happened," I crawl into bed and pull the covers up over my head.

"What happened?" Callie asks, my sisters come over to my bed and try to pull my comforter away, but I need to be in the dark.

"We were kissing, like a lot and then mom appeared, and Katie was so embarrassed that she practically sprinted away," There's a moment of silence, and then Callie and Mariana burst into a laughing fit, I come out from my comforter and swat them both with my pillow, "It's not funny, she'll never want to come over again, and chemo tomorrow is going to be so awkward," I slide down in my bed.

"Gracie, it's fine, you know how many times mom has caught me kissing Mat," Mariana says, "Like a million,"

"Yeah but that's different, all you do is kiss Mat," I mock her.

"It'll be fine," She ignores my snarky comment, "She'll cool off from the embarrassment by tomorrow and you can go back to playing tonsil tennis,"

"Ew, do you have to make everything sound so gross," I say to her.

"Was kissing her a good idea?" Mom says. She and mama come into our room.

"Callie, Mariana can you go start on dinner?" Mama says. I hide under the comforter again.

"Listen, Gracie," Mom says, "We know you like this girl, but you're sick, I don't want you getting a virus, kissing is the last thing you should be doing," She tells me.

"Please stop," I writhe, it's so uncomfortable talking about this.

"Gracie," Mama pulls my blanket off of my head, "This is serious,"

"You didn't care when I was kissing Taylor," I argue.

"Taylor didn't have cancer," Mom says, "Listen, it's not just about you, what if Katie gets sicker?" I hadn't thought of that.

"But I don't have any kind virus or infection, neither does she okay, it was one kiss!" They look at me, "Okay maybe it was more than one, but still!"

"Her cancer is different to yours, one of you could have a virus that your body can still fight off, but your immune system is weak, you know you can't even have a cold,"

"Okay," I say quietly, "I'll cool it for a while, until after chemo and everything," I say, I don't want to fight with them, and I certainly don't want to her to get sicker, or me.

"Maybe we were right honey," Mama says, "Maybe now isn't the best time to be dating,"

**Come on guys, hit me with the reviews! I need to know if you actually like what I'm putting out there :') haha**


	24. Chapter 24

I spent last night arguing with my moms, they're telling me I'm not allowed to date until I get better. It just doesn't make sense to me, they were fine with me and Taylor, and now I can't date Katie just because she has cancer? It's so stupid. That's like telling me I can't date someone who also has PTSD or depression or anxiety, totally unfair. I know they think they're doing what's best for me, but I can't help that I like someone, it was their idea to put me in a support group in the first place. It would be so different if I wasn't sick.

"You have to understand where they're coming from," Jesus is driving me to chemo today, "What if you get sicker?" He asks.

"I know Jesus! I get it, it's just not fair, and it doesn't make sense! Yeah, they're trying to protect me, but there's nothing to protect me from, she doesn't have a virus or any of that crap, if she did she wouldn't have kissed me, and I told them I would hold off on all of that, but stopping me from dating?" I sigh, "They know I want to try to make the most of my life, they want that for me too, I know they do, so why won't they just let me have this,"

"Because they love you, we all do and we can't lose you okay, you can make the most of your life when you're healthy again," He looks straight ahead at the road, "You're not dying, stop acting like you are," He's mad at me.

"Sorry, I know, I'm not dying," I tell him, "I'm a teenager, I want to do teenage things, make mistakes, you know?"

"Should I be hearing this?" He teases me.

"Get your head out of the gutter, Jesus, that's not what I meant,"

"I know," He pulls in, "Get going, you don't want to be late," Since he was in that group home, Jesus has become so sensible and responsible.

"Thanks for the ride, see you in two hours,"

I walk into the chemo suite and Katie is sat on her own, Daisy must not have arrived yet. Which means now is the perfect opportunity to call it off with Katie, like I have any other choice.

"Hey, sorry about running off yesterday, I was just embarrassed,"

"Uh, that's okay, where's Daisy?"

"Oh, she texted me and said she's running late, so it's just me and you for now," She leans over to kiss me, but I turn away.

"Are you okay?" She asks.

"Uh, not really," I take a deep breath, "My moms said I'm not allowed to date," I tell her, and her smiling face turns into a frowning one.

"Did they not like me? Do they think I'm a bad influence or something?" She panics.

"No, no, it's not you, they think that dating someone with cancer is a bad idea, because of infections or whatever, I don't know, it doesn't make sense to me," She looks so hurt, "I'm sorry, I wish it wasn't like this, but I have to do what they say, they're my moms,"

"Can't we just, not tell them?" I've thought about this, a lot.

"No," I say firmly, "The last time I lied about seeing someone, it ended badly, like worse than you could possibly imagine, and I hate lying to them," I'm shaking, I didn't realise how much this would hurt me, I was just thinking about her.

"Oh right, okay," She says, "I get it, you have to do the right thing," She smiles, "It's cool, we'll just be friends, chemo buddies," I smile back at her.

"I'm sorry, I like you a lot and-,"

"Please, don't say that. It only makes it harder," She's smiling but I can tell she's faking it.

"Okay, friends then," As I'm about to reach out to hold her hand, I stop myself, instead I go for a fist bump, and laughs at me.

"I don't fist bump,"

It sucks, why would moms even let me go on the date if they weren't going to let me keep dating her, what was the point? We got to know each other on a different level than friendship and now I'm supposed to forget that ever happened? Whatever, I guess I should just be lucky I have friends at least.

We sat in awkward silence until Daisy arrives.

"So, how was the date?" She sits down, I look at Katie, "What?"

"You told her about the date?" I ask.

"Yeah, I didn't think it was a problem,"

"No, it's not, sorry," Why did I snap like that?

"Okay, am I missing something?" Daisy says.

"We're just friends," Katie says, still smiling.

"Well thank God, I didn't want to be a third wheel," She laughs, "So, chemo hit you guys yet?" She's so upbeat, this is her fourth round of this cycle, I don't know how she's managing to even sit upright, when I was that deep into my first cycle, I was practically unconscious all day every day.

"A little, nausea, and aching and all that," Katie says, "How are you feeling?"

"I'm sore, but no nausea at all, I never get nauseous though," She says.

"How come?" I ask.

"Well when I have my chemo, I pretty much starve myself so that there's nothing to puke," She says it so casually, "I know it sounds stupid and dangerous, but what's the point of eating if I'm just going to throw it all up anyway?" She makes a fair point.

"And your nurses and doctors don't have anything to say about that?" Katie asks.

"They don't love it, but it works for me, so they just make me check in a little more regularly," It makes a lot of sense. I don't know why I never thought of that, I get so sick with chemo, but moms are always trying to shove a good meal into me.

"Do you have any other chemo tips?" Katie asks her.

"Well, when I started to lose my hair, I just decided to shave it all off, it made me feel more in control, you know?" She takes off the bandana she wears on her head and shows us, it's completely hairless, no patchiness or anything, not like mine.

"I did the same thing, I'll probably do it again when it starts to fall out this time,"

"I never even considered doing that, I tug on my hat, you guys look great, but if I completely shaved my head I would just look like an egg," I tuck in the straggly strands hanging down by my ears.

"It's surprisingly empowering, like a screw you to cancer," Katie and Daisy laugh. Maybe I should shave my head, that way, when chemo is over, maybe it won't grow back so patchy.

"Okay," I say, "I'm gonna do it," I say to them, "As soon as I get home, I'm going for it,"

"Why wait?" Daisy says.

"Yeah, they have clippers here, I'm sure Nurse Holly will do it for you,"

"Here? Now?"

"Why not?" Katie says, they're right, there's no time like the present.

Daisy calls Nurse Holly over and she's on board straight away, she goes off to get the clippers and a mirror, she's almost excited. I'm excited too if a little nervous.

"Okay, this is your last chance to change your mind," Holly says.

"Just do it," I pull off my hat, Katie and Daisy smile at me. When I take off my hat at home, my family kind of look at me weirdly, and then they get all sad, but here, they understand it, they get me. I hear the sound of the clippers starting up behind me and I close my eyes until it's all over.

"Okay, we have a bald queen!" Daisy squeals with excitement. It's done. I'm bald, but I still can't open my eyes, "Here," She puts the mirror in my hand.

"Come on, open your eyes!" Katie says.

"What if I hate it?" I say.

"Gracie," I feel Holly put her hands on my shoulders, "You got this,"

"Okay," I take a deep breath, and finally open my eyes, "Oh," I stare at myself; I don't know what to think. I reach up to feel my new shiny head, "Oh my God, it feels like one of those naked cats," I burst out laughing. I don't hate it, and Daisy was right, it does feel empowering.

"See, I knew you'd like it," She says.

"It's not terrible, but I'm still going to wear the hat," There's no way I'm ready to walk around outside like this, not yet, "My sister is going to freak out," Callie will think it's awesome, but Mariana loved my hair, even when it was like ten strands thin. She'll just have to get used to it, I don't know how moms will react.

Katie's dad is running late to pick her up, so I text Jesus and tell him to wait for me, I don't want to leave her here alone, Daisy already left.

"It suits you, you know," she says, "And when it starts to grow back it'll feel amazing," We sit on a bench outside the hospital.

"Thanks, I don't know maybe I'll just keep shaving it," I joke, she goes kind of quiet, "Listen, I'm sorry again, about everything,"

"It's cool, really," I can tell it's not cool at all; we were fine when Daisy was with us, but now that we're alone, it's a different story. I just want to kiss her again. It's not like I'm head over heels falling in love with her or anything, it was just really nice, being with her like that without any of the pressure of a relationship, "There's my dad, I'll see you next week?"

"Yeah," We stand up, and I hug her, but as we start to pull away, I can't help it, I have to kiss her, "Sorry, you should go, I'll text you," She walks off to her dad's car, and I just stand there. What am I doing? I can't pursue this with her, but I can't just kiss her like that either, it's not fair to her, she's new to dating, I can't screw her around like this.

"Hey," Jesus walks over to me, "You okay?"


	25. Chapter 25

I sit in silence on the car ride home, ignore moms when I get in the house, I go straight up to my room, Callie and Mariana are out so I can finally be alone. I have some serious thinking to do. I'm actually considering going for it with Katie, I like her, and I have fun with her, but that would mean lying to moms again. But if I don't, I could lose Katie completely, and maybe even Daisy, and then I'll be back to square one with zero friends and zero social life. But am I just convincing myself that I like Katie just to get over Taylor? Is it possible to still be in love with my ex and have a crush on another person at the same time? Maybe I'm better off going back to having no friends.

I lay in bed for a while, trying to gather my thoughts, and figure this out. The chemo starts to hit slowly, I feel sick, dizzy, lightheaded, feelings that are all too familiar to me. This is another reason not to start something up with Katie, I'm going to get sicker and so is she, it'll be hard for both of us.

Suddenly, I have to rush into the bathroom to puke, almost passing out in the process. I have to lie on the bathroom floor, if I try to stand up right now I'll collapse, and if I try to crawl back to bed I'll end up puking all over the carpet.

"Gracie," The door knocks, "You okay in there?" It's mom.

"Fine," I lie, "Just go,"

"Not a chance," Mama's out there too, they open the door, I always forget to lock the door.

"I'm fine," I say.

"Gracie, you're lying on the bathroom floor, with puke on your hoodie," Mom says. They ignore my pleads for solitude and they both scoop me up and carry me back to my bed, mom takes off my hoodie, while Mama fluffs my pillow.

"You're fussing over me, stop it," I know that there will come a time when I won't be able to do the smallest thing for myself, but for right now, I just want to be left alone, "Leave me alone," I try to yell but I don't have it in me, so instead I just cry, and let them take care of me.

"Gracie," Mama sits down, she and mom take a hand each, "Remember what the doctors said? They said that this round was going to hit you harder and faster than the last, it's far more aggressive than the last one, I know you said you didn't-," She stops herself because she's started to cry.

"You said you didn't want us fussing over you until you needed it, do you think that maybe," She sighs, "Maybe that time is now?" She asks me. I'm not ready for this, not yet. I don't want to be useless, a burden. But… moms are right.

"Okay," I accept their help, it's not like I have a choice anymore, I just lie there as they run around fetching things for me, making sure I'm comfortable. Maybe I should take Daisy's advice, about the nausea, then maybe I won't be as sick, and moms won't baby me as much. It starts tonight, luckily, I don't have much of an appetite at all anymore.

"You're sweating, let me take your hat off," I haven't shown anyone in the family my bald head yet, so they're in for a surprise, "When did you do this?" I don't answer, I'm too tired. I finally drop off to sleep.

"She's getting a lot worse," Mom has sat the whole family down at the kitchen table, except for me, so I'm standing just above that one creaky step in my usual eavesdropping spot, "So we're going to need all hands on deck around here okay? Your homework needs to be done on time, trash taken out, dishes washed, everything, yeah? And all of you need to be respectful of her, she's getting a lot of headaches, so boys no loud music,"

"We got it, moms," Jesus says.

"Jude, are you okay, Bubba?" Mama asks. They've all been talking in the kitchen for a half-hour and Jude hasn't said a word.

"She's not… dying, right?"

"No, no of course not, you know your sister, she can get through anything," Mom says. I'm starting to doubt that theory. I sit down on the steps, unable to keep standing on my stick-thin legs. This past week has been horrible, even without eating I've still managed to keep puking, I don't know how Daisy does it, I guess our bodies are just different, and so is our chemo cocktail.

"Okay, get to school guys, I'll go get Gracie ready for chemo," Usually this is the part where I quietly sneak back to my room so no one catches me listening in, but I can't move right now.

"Gracie," Callie comes out of the kitchen first, "Come on, let's get you on the couch," She and Jesus take an arm each, "Moms," She calls for them.

"Oh sweetie," Mama helps them carry me over to the couch, "Are you okay?"

"I think I need more platelets," I tell her. My siblings are all still stood in the hall, staring at me.

"Kids, school!" Mom says.

"Right, okay, everyone in the car," Callie's been driving them every day because moms are both off of work to take care of me

"Okay, let's get you to the car, Stef, grab some towels and her overnight bag, it's packed and ready to go in our room,"

"I need to lie down," I say in the car, mom is sat in the back seat with me, my nose has started bleeding again so mom has the towels at the ready, I lay my head on her lap.

I don't really remember getting to the hospital, mom says I didn't pass out this time, but all the blood loss has made everything a little fuzzy.

"You weren't making a lot of sense in the car," Mom tells me, "You kept asking for Taylor," She strokes my face,

"I did?" I guess I'm not as over her as I thought, I've been texting Katie a lot this week, she's feeling the effects of chemo a lot right now too, so we've been distracting each other, maybe there's been a little bit of flirting too, "I should text my friends, so they know what's going on," Mom hands me my phone, and I text Katie, she replies instantly telling me she gets it and she's here for me if I need to talk or if I need a distraction.

"Hey," Jesus comes into my room.

"Jesus, why aren't you at school?" Mama asks.

"I have a free period, I just wanted to stop by and see if you guys needed anything, from the house or if you wanted me to get you some food," He's been nothing short of amazing this week, he's so helpful to moms, nothing like he used to be, he does the dishes before he's asked, he studies and does his homework and he's always checking in on me. Maybe the group home was the right thing for him, "I can sit with Gracie for a little bit if you guys wanted some fresh air?" He asks moms.

"Yeah, go take a walk," I say, "Get some coffee or something,"

Miraculously, they take our advice and go out for a little while, and Jesus stays in my room with me.

"Are you okay?" I ask him, "You've been taking care of me and moms a lot, and I really appreciate it, but are you taking care of yourself?"

"It's sweet of you to worry about me when you're the one with cancer, I'm fine Gracie, taking care of you guys is taking care of me, knowing that I'm doing everything I can to make this all easier on you is what I need to do," He's so mature. I open my mouth to respond but I have to throw my self over the side of my bed, and I puke on the floor, and he rushes out into the hall to get Nurse Holly.

"Don't call moms," I say between gags, "Let them relax for a little while,"

"I got you," He says, he rubs my back while Holly tries to keep the puking under control. The old Jesus would never have done this, he would have stood back and waited until it was all over, and then made some joke to make me laugh.

"Hey, at least this is good exercise," And there's the joke, I guess he's not completely changed.

"Hey, looks like you've got some visitors," Mom wakes me up, I look out into the hallway and Daisy and Katie are waiting outside, "I'll let you guys talk,"

"Oh my God, you guys, what are you doing here?" I hug them both. Since I'm an inpatient again, I've been having chemo in my room, so I haven't gotten to see either of them, but we've kept in touch, we have a group chat now. We talk on that pretty much all day every day, but it's different than being together 'IRL' as Daisy puts it.

"You didn't think we weren't gonna visit you, did you?" Daisy says, "How are you feeling?" She pours herself a glass of water.

"Pretty worn down, I've been sleeping a lot, and puking a lot," I laugh, they understand this kind of thing, "What about you guys?" Katie looks okay, but Daisy has gotten even thinner which I didn't think was possible, and the bags under her eyes are bigger than mine, and that is saying something. She's shaking too, like Mariana after four coffees on the night before an exam.

"I've been okay, just some headaches, and stuff," Daisy says, we may have only known each other for a short time, but I can tell when she's lying, she awful at it.

"Well, I had a rough week but I'm feeling okay today, which is good because otherwise, I wouldn't have been able to come to see you," She perches on the end of my bed.

"Okay, do you guys want me to leave you alone? I thought you were just friends?" Daisy asks.

"Oh, we are," Katie says, smiling.

"Yeah, really good friends," I smile back at her, it's not like we're dating, we just flirt, moms didn't say anything about flirting.

"Best friends," Katie and I laugh.

"Oh right, and I'm the picture of health," She sits in the armchair.

"Yeah, I've been meaning to ask, are you sure you're okay?" Katie says.

"You do look a little paler than usual," I add.

"I'm fine, for a cancer patient," She laughs, but the smile falls off of her face very quickly, she grabs her chest.

"Daisy?" Katie jumps off my bed and crouches down in front of her.

"It's fine, just a little breathless," She's struggling to talk.

"It's not fine, Daisy, something's wrong," I say, I get out of bed and come to her side, "You're sweating, Katie, get a nurse, or a doctor, anyone,"

"I'm fine," Daisy insists, she clasps her chest harder and lets out of painful moan, and then she flops back in the chair unconscious.

"Katie!" I shout into the hall, and she comes rushing back in with Nurse Holly and a bunch of other nurses two of which usher Katie and me into the hall.

"Gracie?" Mom comes to me, "What's going on?" I don't answer her, I just stand at the window of my room, watching the nurses work on Daisy, they've moved her onto my bed.

"Out of the way!" A doctor comes rushing past us right into the room, and one of the nurses shuts the door and closes the blind, we can't see a thing.

"Oh my God," I say. Katie takes my hand.

"She'll be okay, she has to be," She says, but she's crying too.


	26. Chapter 26

After working on Daisy in my room for ten minutes, they finally opened the door and brought her out on my bed, and started rushing her down the hall, Nurse Holly stayed behind to talk to us. Daisy had a heart attack and went into cardiac arrest, so they took her to surgery to do a bypass. Since then Katie, mom and I have been sat in my room, there's no bed in here now, Holly said that some porters would be by soon with a new one.

"Why?" I ask Holly, "I don't get it, it came out of nowhere,"

"There are a few reasons it could've happened, but most likely it was because of how much weight she'd lost, and how quickly she'd lost it,"

"She wasn't eating, she told us," I say, "We could have said something, we could have prevented this!" I yell. I don't know who I'm yelling at, Holly, myself.

"Gracie, you're working yourself up," Mom says.

"Of course, I am, we could have stopped this from happening!"

"You weren't to know," Holly says, "This could have happened regardless, okay?"

I think more than anything I'm just mad that I've been doing the same thing, this could have happened to me, how could I do that to my family? After everything I've been through with this disease, I've never put myself at risk, until now. I hate myself for being so stupid, so selfish. I break down in tears, my chest tightens up, I fall headfirst into a panic attack, a bad one.

"Katie, I think it's time you went home, do you have a ride?" Mom says.

"Uh yeah," Holly ushers her out of the room, while mom comforts me.

"It's not your fault, love," She takes my hand and sits on the armchair, pulling me onto her lap, I curl up like a baby in her lap and just sob my eyes out. And then, my nose starts to bleed again. Usually, the bad nose bleeds are further apart, and I have infusions every couple of weeks, but it's only been a week since the last one, I'm getting so much worse. The porters arrive with the bed.

"Here," Holly scoops me out of mom's arms, and puts me down in the bed, hooking me up to the platelets that have a permanent place in my room now, she and mom mop me up and hold a towel to my nose until it finally stops. But I'm still hysterical.

"Is there something you can do? To calm her down. Something you can give her, please?" Mom asks, Holly doesn't say anything, she just goes out to the nurses station and returns promptly with a syringe, it's the stuff that knocked me out when I had my freak out before, when I found out Jesus got arrested, I was so resistant last time, but I don't fight as she lifts my arm to inject the liquid into my IV. I feel the cold fluid rush up my arm, a feeling I've gotten all too used to.

"You're okay, baby," Mom cradles me as I start to fade out of consciousness, finally able to relax my body, "You're okay," Her voice drifts away, and I go completely limp, and I don't fight to keep my eyes open.

"Moms?" I open my eyes, I'm alone, in my room. Not my room at the hospital, not my room at home, a room that's not mine anymore, and I never thought I'd see it again, never wanted to see it again. The room I shared with Rachel, in that house. It's cold, painfully cold, and all I'm wearing is a hospital gown. My bare feet stick to the frigid grey floorboards, creaking with every slight movement I make in an attempt to get out of here, but I'm frozen in place. The room starts to spin a little, and I lose my balance and fall back, my feet still sealed on the floor, I land on the bed, the bed where John- Where it happened. I look down to my arms, all the scars I made have turned to fresh pulsating wounds. The bloody blades are in my hand, I throw them aside, refusing to give in to whatever this is.

"I'll see you again very soon," I hear her voice, it stings me, makes my blood curdle and the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. But she's dead, how is it possible? Rachel.

"It's your fault," Another voice steps forward in the eerie darkness of the room, Freddie's voice. I try to call out to him, but nothing comes out. The lump in my throat is preventing me from making any kind of sound. I'm still alone in this room, but the voices keep coming, "You should have gotten me out of there, and I wouldn't be dead,"

"Quiet!" Another terrifying voice booms into existence, Greg, "You're responsible for these deaths, you wanted to get another one under your belt? And you're responsible for the putting me in prison, I did nothing wrong," He says. I want so badly to respond, to tell him he's wrong, but I can't. Maybe he isn't wrong.

"And me," The voice I feared hearing the most finally arrives, and John appears, standing over me, it's all too familiar, "It's your fault I did what I did, you were practically begging for it," He laughs, "And I'll do it again," He grabs my wrists.

"Now I'm trapped here with him," Rachel speaks again, "You trapped me here,"

"You trapped me with our father," Freddie says. I hear a slapping sound, and Freddie moans, Rachel screams, Greg grunts, John laughs, watching people suffer, he gets off on it. I can't do anything to stop this. I'm powerless.

"You know, when you die, which will be soon, I'll be doing the same to you," I suddenly feel Rachel's hot breath on my neck, I turn my head and she's knelt behind me on the bed, her eyes completely black, she's wearing exactly what she was wearing in the forest that day, covered in blood, some of it hers, some of it mine. Her nails dig into my shoulders. Then Greg appears in front of me, the same black eyes. John grabs me by the neck and forces me to look at Greg. He brings his raised arm forward, into the light, he's holding Freddie up by the neck. Freddie's eyes are the same colour they always were, but they're bloody and bruised, much like the rest of his face. He's choking him. Greg finally let's go of him, and he falls to the floor, he pulls himself on to his feet and takes a step closer to me, leaning in to whisper in my ear.

"You'll burn in hell with us," He says, his voice has gone all croaky. I try one last time to speak, closing my eyes, and covering my ears, I'm finally able to make a sound. I scream.

"NO!" I sit up, covered in sweat, in my bed at the hospital, "No," It comes out quieter this time, my breathing is so fast, I'm hyperventilating again, I have to calm down, or I'll get more of that sedative and I'll be right back in that dream again, I can't, I won't. Is that where I'll go, when I die? Was that hell? Have I just come face to face with what I'll eventually be condemned to? Despite every attempt I've made in my life to be better, a better person, a better daughter, sister, friend, girlfriend, I always end up getting bad again, forcing the people around me to watch me suffer. They suffer too, and it's my fault. I can stop it if I just die.

"Gracie," Mama rushes to my side, wrapping her arms around me, "It's okay, it was just a dream, you're fine sweetie," She kisses my head, "Breathe with me," She leads me through the exercise, calming me down, slowing my heart rate, until finally. I can breathe again.

"Is she dead?" I finally ask, "Did I kill her?" The last I heard; Daisy was still in surgery. Greg was right, if she is dead, it's on me.

"No, sweetie, she's okay, and it's not your fault," She rocks me, "She's in the ICU, she's got a long recovery ahead of her, but she's gonna be okay," I let out a sigh of relief.

"I didn't mean to, I promise," I tell mama. Maybe I did mean to, could there be a part of me, a dark side, that makes all of this bad stuff keep happening around me? I wouldn't be surprised.

"I know, sweetie, this didn't happen because of you okay, give yourself a break," She says, rocking me in her arms, "Daisy lied to you, her doctors didn't know she wasn't eating, she did this herself," So it's her fault? No, I refuse to believe that.

"Mama, I can't do this anymore," I tell her.

"Yes, you can, you only have a few more rounds and then-,"

"No, mama, not that," I cry, "I can't do any of it, anything," I admit, "I just need it all to stop,"

"Don't say that," She starts crying too.

"I don't deserve to live anymore; I should be in hell!" I scream into her chest, I have to make her see the kind of person I am, "I'm screwed up, people get hurt around me, or they die, I should be the one that dies!" If I die, it all stop, all the dying and the hurt that I put people through.

"Stop it!" Mama shakes me, "You are a good person,"

"I'm not, I-,"

"Listen to me, would you be this torn up about this if you were a bad person? No, Gracie, this is not your fault, and you don't deserve any of this, you are strong and beautiful, and smart, and compassionate, and you will get through this, you will come out on top and you will look back on all of this and it'll all seem so long ago, because you're my daughter, and no daughter of mine gives up, not on my watch," She yells at me, but she still has that love in her eyes, how? How can she love me? "We're going to get you help, then we're going to get you healthy, and you will be okay, you'll be better than okay, you'll be amazing, I promise," She takes my face in her hands.

"And you don't break promises," I say quietly. I have to believe her, I have to believe that fighting is my only option, because to her, to my family; the people I care about most in this world, it is. No matter how much I want to give up, I can't. I can't let it win, even though I want to.

I lay in bed day after day, Nurse Holly comes and sets up my chemo for me twice a week, she takes me for my scans, does my blood tests. Dr Chandra comes and updates my mums as much as he can. I talk to psychiatrists, try my best to tell them what I'm feeling, thinking, planning. I want to resist all of this help, but then I look at my moms, and I can't. Mama always says that the first step to getting better is talking, to her, mom, a doctor anyone, I just have to be honest. My honesty gets me placed on suicide watch indefinitely, Holly has to check my whole body every single day, just to make sure I'm not cutting again. Not only has my mental health dwindled, but my chemo is also making me sicker and sicker. I get platelet infusions three times a week, my body aches from head to toe. I've lost my appetite completely, and anything I do eat I can't keep down. Eventually, they have to give me a feeding tube, in my nose, straight to my stomach. I look horrifying. I'm skin and bones now, so pale and ghostly. I caught a glimpse of myself in the bathroom mirror, speaking of which I'm not allowed to go to the bathroom without leaving the door open. My privacy is non-existent, but I don't care anymore. I have to do what I have to do to stay alive, for my moms.

"So, good news, Adams-Fosters," Dr Chandra comes in one morning, "We just got the results back on the latest scans," My moms stand up, and hold my hands in anticipation, "The tumour between your lungs has shrunk enough for surgery to work," My moms gasp, "And the majority of the Mets have completely gone, and what's left is easily removable with surgery as well," He says.

"Oh my God," Mama looks at me.

"Gracie, this is good news," Mom says, kissing my head, "When can she have the surgery?" She asks him.

"Before we discuss that you should know that just because the Mets are shrinking and reducing, doesn't mean that after surgery she will be cured, there may be complications and there's always the chance that they could grow back, I just want you all to be aware of that," He tells them.

"Right, of course," Mama says, "There's no cure for cancer,"

"That's right, however, I would like to operate as soon as possible, ideally we'd like to wait until Gracie is a little more mentally stable," He talks as if I'm not in the room, I guess I don't feel like I am in the room, "But I do have an opening this evening, and I think it would be a mistake not to take this opportunity, we can't risk them growing back, or Gracie getting sicker," He's honest with them.

"Yes, of course, doctor, whatever you think is best," Mom says, "Gracie?" She turns to me, "Is that okay with you?"

"Yeah, I guess, maybe if the cancer is out of me, I'll start to feel better in every way," I tell them, "Let's do it," I smile a little, feeling the tiniest sliver of hope. I can't trust it though; things generally don't work out for me.

"Okay great, have a few procedures to do today, so I will see you in the OR at six tonight?" He says, finally acknowledging me. I nod, moms shake his hand and he leaves.

"You're going to have this surgery, and whatever comes after that, you're going to get through it, and you will get better," Mom tells me, "In every way, just like you said," She's so sure. It's not often that mom is wrong, so maybe I can believe her if I try hard enough.


	27. Chapter 27

"I think, it could work," I tell my new therapist, she comes to my hospital room every couple of days, "I'm not totally without hope anymore," I can't lie, my sessions with Dr Nunez have been pretty helpful.

"That's good, Gracie," She smiles at me, "And have there been any more nightmares or panic attacks?" She asks. She's given me a higher dose of my depression and anxiety meds, and that combined with the therapy seems to have helped a little bit.

"None like that first one, just regular bad dreams, I guess, and as for the panic attacks, none at all, just a few shaky moments here and there, but my moms say that's normal for anyone, no matter what you're going through,"

"Your moms are right. And how is your friend Daisy doing?"

"She's okay, I'm not allowed to use my phone," Dr Nunez's rules, "So I can't text her, but mama visited her for me, she's out of the ICU and doing a lot better now, especially because she's been eating," Dr Nunez smiles at me again, "And I think I've stopped blaming myself for it, and the other people, you know, that died,"

"Why do you think that is?" She writes in her yellow notepad.

"I don't know, I guess I realised that Rachel wanted to die, and I'm not the one who beat Freddie to death," I tell her, it still hurts saying their names and talking about them at all. But Dr Nunez says it's normal to feel that way, "And as for Greg and John, they're in jail because they broke the law, that can't be my fault," I've managed to convince myself of what everyone has been telling me this entire time.

"You seem a lot more positive now, I'm impressed Gracie, I want you to keep taking your meds, talking to your moms, we'll still have our meetings, but I feel comfortable taking you off of suicide watch, and I'll tell your moms to give your phone back to you," She smiles.

"Really?" Even more good news, "I mean it won't make a difference because you know what my moms are like, they'll be watching me like a hawk, but uh, thank you, Dr Nunez," I shake her hand.

"Are you nervous?" Mama sits with me while mom is out in the hall going over the plan for the surgery with Dr Chandra.

"Yeah, not about the surgery part, just the being unconscious part, I don't want to have another nightmare,"

"You haven't had one since, I think you'll be okay," She holds my hand, "I'm so proud of you, baby," She smiles.

"I'm sorry mama, I know you and mom always tell me not to apologize but I need to, I'm sorry that you had to see me go through that dark crap," I tell her, "I know it's not my fault that I have mental illnesses," I say exactly what Dr Nunez tells me to say, I have to realise I'm not sick because I deserve it, "But I'm just sorry that I said all of those things to you,"

"Thank you, sweetie," She said, stroking my face and wiping away the single tear on my cheek, "You're forgiven, you always will be,"

"Are you ready, love?" Mom and Dr Chandra come back into my room, I nod.

"Let's go," He says.

"She's coming around," Mom's voice floats across the room. My eyes flutter open and closed, trying to adjust to the light. I smile, I didn't have one bad dream. I don't think I dreamt at all.

"Gracie? Wake up sweetie," Mama says, I open my eyes fully and she and mom are standing either side of me. I feel strange, not bad strange, more like painkillers and sedative strange. I'm in a different room, I'm guessing I'm in ICU, it was a pretty major surgery.

"Hi," I smile at my parents.

"There's our baby," Mama says, "Are you in any pain?" I shake my head.

"I feel good," I tell them, "I love drugs!" Sober me would never say anything like that to them, but they just laugh it off.

"She'll be feeling like this until we can take her off of the painkillers," I hear Holly's voice, but I can't sit up to see her, I'm too tired.

"You go back to sleep if you want love," Mom says. And I do just that, for what seems like days.

"Aye, she's awake again!" I open my eyes to Jesus this time.

"Hey," I manage to lift my head a little bit, and they're all here, the whole family, "Did they get it all out of me?" I ask.

"Yeah baby, they did," Mama says, "Look at you, you have the colour back in your cheeks again,"

"Okay, babies, let's all give Gracie some space," Mom ushers my siblings out into the hall, closing the door on them.

"How long was I out?" I ask moms.

"Well you were sort of in and out for about a week while you were in the ICU, then you've been back here for another week, mostly sleeping, you don't remember waking up at all?"

"Just once, in the ICU," I remember, "Did I say, 'I love drugs'?" I cringe, but they laugh again, "Oh god," I bring my hand to my face, "Wait, my tube is out,"

"Yeah, they said you're at a healthy enough weight to go without it now," Mom tells me, "You look so much healthier," They both can't stop smiling.

"Can I call my friends?" I ask. Before the surgery, they didn't want to give me my phone back, they just wanted me to focus on myself, which I completely understand. Mama hands me my phone and they go out into the hall, the first moment of conscious privacy I've had in almost a month.

"Hi," I say.

"Gracie, are you okay?" Daisy says.

"Yeah, I'm fine, the surgery went well and everything, are you? I'm sorry I didn't call, I wasn't allowed my phone,"

"I'm totally fine now, I mean I have a slight heart murmur and I still have cancer, but I'm eating properly, for a chemo patient and everything, sorry for scaring you guys," She says.

"That's okay, I'm just glad we're both doing better now," I tell her.

"Have you talked to Katie yet?" She asks.

"I was about to call her, why? Is she okay?" I find myself about to panic, but I take deep breaths and sip my water.

"Yeah, she just wanted to hear from you, that's all, go, call her, I'll talk to you soon, bye," She hangs up.

"Hello?" Katie answers the phone, she sounds different.

"Hi, Katie, uh, how are you?"

"Gracie, oh my God," She says, "Uh, fine- I'm fine, are you okay? I heard you had surgery,"

"I'm okay, a lot better than I've been, listen, could you come by the hospital later today?" I ask, "I wanna talk to you, for real, not just on the phone,"

"Uh, yeah, yeah, sure, same room as usual, right?"

"Yeah, great, I'll see you then, bye, Katie,"

"Bye," Something about that conversation felt off, she doesn't sound like herself, but I guess cancer can do that to a person, I've been like five different people over the past couple of months.

"Hey," Jude comes into my room, "What's up?" He sits down on the end of my bed and crosses his legs.

"Not much, just recovering from major surgery and trying to kick cancer's ass, what about you?" I joke.

"Nothing at all," He sits there, silent for a moment, "Taylor called me," He says, "She said to tell you that she hopes you're okay and that she's only a phone call away," He smiles.

"That's sweet," I miss her a lot, part of me thinks that if she stayed, maybe none of that crap would have happened, but that might mean that I wouldn't have met Katie and Daisy. I'd still be friendless if it weren't for the breakup.

"Sophia sent you something," He gets up and goes out into the hall for a second, and comes back carrying a gigantic gift basket, "You could survive off of this thing for years," He puts it down on the floor, "It's heavy man,"

"Wow," I look at it, smile for a second, and then I get sad again.

"What's wrong?" He says, "Should I get moms?"

"No, it's okay, it's just- I have so many people that care about me, I can't believe what I wanted to do, what I almost did," I dry my eyes, "But I'm moving on from that now, there's no tumours or Mets inside of my body anymore, my meds have kicked in, my family is incredible, I can only go up from here," He squeezes my hand.

"Gracie," Katie comes into my room a couple of hours later, she's in a wheelchair now and she's gotten so thin, "Hey,"

"Uh, hey," I look at her, kind of in shock, "Why the chair?" I ask.

"I can't really walk that much at the moment, chemo," She rolls herself over to me, "But it's okay, after chemo, I'll be back to myself again," She looks at me, "You look amazing though, I didn't think your cheeks could even go that colour anymore," She makes a joke, trying to be like her old self, but she's changed, cancer has changed her.

"Yeah, Dr Chandra got all of the cancer out of me, I'm just waiting for my two-week post-op scan, to see if anything has grown back,"

"Well, I hope it hasn't, I hope you get better," She smiles, "Listen, I still like you, a lot, but I just wanted to let you know that if you're not ready for anything like that yet, or if you just don't like me in that way, it's okay," She takes a breath, "I totally understand," I don't quite know what to say. I mean, I like her like that, of course, I do, but I'm not going to lie to my moms to be with her, and she's right, I'm probably not ready for it.

"Katie, I do like you," She smiles again, "But I'm not ready," She nods.

"That's totally fine, I can wait,"

"No, the truth is Katie, I won't be ready for a long time and it's not fair to make you wait for me, especially when you're so sick," I admit.

"I'm fine, it's just the chemo," She starts to cry a little bit.

"You're not fine," I insist, "We can still be friends though, all three of us, but no more flirty texting or hand-holding, I should never have kissed you that day outside the hospital, I'm so sorry,"

"Right, okay, I get it," She turns away, so I don't see her cry, "Well, I hope you get out soon and you get better," She mumbles, "Uh, bye,"

"Katie," I call after her, but she leaves, closing the door behind her. Even when I try to do the right thing it ends up hurting people.


	28. Chapter 28

**I'm so sorry that it's been so long, I've had the worst writer's block ever, which sucks because now we're in lockdown I have all the time in the world to be writing but hopefully now I can get back on track!**

The pain from the surgery is still pretty bad, but I have painkillers that help me out a lot, Dr Chandra opened me up in two places; the middle of my chest and lower down across my belly. I'm going to have these scars for the rest of my life, but it's nothing I can't handle, I'm already covered in scars. I've already gained back a lot of the weight I lost from chemo, and it's only been three weeks now, Dr Chandra says I can go home tomorrow if my scans come back clean. I'm not completely cured, there are still cancerous cells in me, and there's an almost one hundred percent chance of the tumors and Mets growing back. As soon as I'm recovered enough from surgery, I have to do chemo again, but this time it won't be as bad. I haven't needed a platelet transfusion in a long time too. I've still been seeing Dr Nunez, it's been good, I like talking to her, she's cut it down to one session a week now and pretty soon I won't need to see her at all anymore. But I've promised moms that once chemo is done and I'm cancer-free, I'll go back to my old support group, the one where I met Sophia. I've also promised that I'll try to open more, so far, I have been.

"Hopefully this is the last scan for a while," I say to Holly as we walk to the CT room.

"Wow, I don't think I've ever heard you use the word 'hopefully' and mean it," She jokes, "I'm proud of you kid," She lays out a sheet on the CT scanner.

"I'm proud of me too," I smile. I'm so glad I have a nurse like her.

"Okay, you know the drill," She goes back behind the screen with the radiographer, and the scan starts. This is the moment that decides whether I can finally go home again.

"How long does it take to evaluate a scan?" My knee bounces up and down as I wait in my room with my moms.

"Be patient, love," Mom says, she tries to chill me out but she's just as jittery as I am, thank God we have Mama there to keep us from bouncing off the walls. Dr Chandra walks in, without saying a word, I'm trying to read his face but he's giving me nothing.

"Well? Good news or bad news? Come on, doc," I ask him

"The scan showed no abnormalities, which means I'm comfortable enough to send you home, as long as you're ready," No way.

"Are you kidding?" I say, "Of course I'm ready!" I get up and hug him, "Thank you, Dr Chandra," I turn to my moms, "I can come home!" Mom looks like she might faint with excitement, while mama shakes hands with Dr Chandra.

"Remember what I said though, you'll still need a few more rounds of chemo, just to be certain," He's speaking sternly but he's smiling too.

"Yeah, of course, doctor," Mom says.

"Finally!" I exclaim, "Finally I can sleep in my own bed, in my own house, and I can wake up and have breakfast with everyone, when can I go back to school?" I'm too excited to let one thought process at a time.

"Calm down, honey," Mama pulls the car into the drive, "Let's not rush to make any decisions yet," She says.

When we get in the house, I was half expecting another welcome home situation or a party, that's kind of what this family does every time something remotely exciting happens, but there's nothing. To be fair, my siblings do have a lot going on at the moment, with school and everything, Jude is here to greet me though.

"Hey!" He hugs me, "God, I'm so glad to have you back, now I can stop getting out-voted on movie nights," He laughs, "Come on, I have to show you something," He pulls me out through the kitchen.

"Be gentle with her, Jude!" Mom shouts after us, but nothing could kill this high.

"Where are we going?" Jude takes me across the garden until we're standing outside the garage.

"Okay, put this on," He hands me a blindfold, "It's a surprise," I just want to know what's going on ASAP, so I do as he says. I hear the garage door open and he slowly leads me inside, stands me still, and then I hear the door close, "Can I take it off yet?" I ask him, "Jude?" I feel hands reach up to my face and pull the blindfold down, only, Jude's not here anymore. Standing in the middle of the garage is Taylor. She just smiles at me.

"Hi," She looks around the room, there are candles and rose petals strewn all over the place, "Are you surprised?"

"Taylor," I look at her, it feels like we've been apart for years.

"Well… say something," She takes a step closer to me, and I can't help myself, I kiss her, "Wow, that was something,"

"Shut up," I laugh, and kiss her again.

Taylor and I lay side by side on the bed, my head is laid on her chest and her fingers gently trace up and down my arm.

"I've missed you," I tell her.

"I've missed you too, I'm sorry it took me this long to come and visit," My heart aches, I knew she wasn't back for good, but it still hurts to hear. I look up at her.

"Maybe," I sigh, "Maybe we can make it work,"

"I'd like to at least try," She says, "It's too hard without you," She tells me, "There's no one to talk to, I mean, I made a couple of friends, but it's not the same," She rolls on to her front, and I prop myself up on my elbow, and look at her, "I love you, Gracie," She kisses me, "I know we're worth fighting for," She has a tear on her cheek.

"I love you too, and we are," I kiss her back.

After I see Taylor out, I go up to my room where Mariana and Callie are sat, waiting for me.

"Someone's happy," Mariana comments.

"I'm not happy, I'm elated," I sit down on my bed, taking advantage of the soft sheets that I took for granted while lying in a clinical white bed for weeks on end, "My surgery was successful, I only need a few more treatments, and I got my girl back," I lay back.

"What?!" Mariana says, "You and Taylor are back together? Oh my God!" She's so excited for me.

"Yep, and we may or may not have just had the most romantic time in the garage, I'm talking candles, rose petals, the whole shebang,"

"You had sex in the garage?" Mariana talks a little too loud for my liking.

"Say it louder I don't think the neighbors heard you, but yeah, we did, and it was beautiful," I feel like I'm floating.

"Okay, no details please!" Callie says, "But seriously Gracie, that's amazing, I'm so happy for you," Callie squeals too.

"Yeah, it is isn't it," I truly feel high on life right now, "In a matter of weeks, I can go back to being a normal teenager again,"

"We should all stop using the word normal," Callie says, "None of us is normal," She laughs.

"So, have you found a job yet?" I go and sit with my sister.

"I have, it's minimum wage, and I'm starting right at the bottom, but you're looking at the new PA to a very well-respected public defense lawyer," She announces.

"Callie! Congrats!" I hug her.

"This calls for celebration," Mariana puts her textbook down, "I deserve a break from studying, let's get the boys and all of our friends and head down to the beach,"

"I'm down for a beach party," Callie says, "I'll call AJ and Ximena," She goes off downstairs, and Mariana goes to call Mat. I'm left thinking about whether or not I should ask Daisy to come, because she'll want to bring Katie, and I'll be bringing Taylor, and I don't know if that's a good combo.


End file.
